Damn skippy!

Nuthin' but love headed the Garden State's way. They've abducted too many jackals. We're stretched as thin as Lindsay Caldwell up in this muthafucka'. 

The main thing, BD, my priority up in this bitch is to keep the Genesis aflame. Remember ninjas with the Italian icies, ninja? Remember stick ball? Remember knockin' ninjas out tha' box? These fools are narcoleptic, fallin' asleep at the wheel. Ninjas be like Sunny Bono on a set of Rossignols. I'm talking about apples and the proximity to the tree from whence they fell. I'm talking about pods, in which multiple peas thrive in communal harmony. Ninja, I am speaking about cloth and the cuts made from that cloth, ninja? They're the SAME CLOTH!!!

Boog and Ball DEEP Show, ALL DAY... Please balleeeve meah!

Boog, I want you to know that I am reading your posts. You, like me, may get discouraged when you come in to see "0 Comments" on the bottom of your posts that you put out there for all to enjoy. Sometimes I may not comment. It's just that I know it is just you and me holdin' shit down around here. So when you pop in the Den and see "0 Comments" on your posts that you put your hard work and thought into, it isn't that I am not present or just not replying like the rest of these thankless bastards. I just want you to know I got love for ya and your comments on life in general. Keep doing yo thing....Hold it down Blood Jackal.

JOTD: -7 through 16 holes, I don't care if you don't golf, shit is Jackal

I hate it when a team manages a dynasty, is the favorite or spends/makes astronomical amounts of money, but you're a douchebag if you don't comprehend the dominance of Teegro. I'll root for the field, but dude is jackal with a 4 Iron. Golf is fucking nuts, because you're your own opponent. You have a caddy, but adjustments, club selection, judging the wind, all of these must be made by the golfer. As far as competition on a golf course, this dude is Jackal to the bone. I can't speak for his personal life, I've never known him to be one to get awesome. I can say, without a doubt that my dog would fuck this dog up.

In the personal life makes Tiger a Jackal column, I submit his fine ass Swedish wife:

Or whatever kind of Scandinavian he managed to wrangle. It is a shame he talked her into squeezin' puppies out of there, but oh well. Can we have a simultaneous Gay Clone/Jackal of the Day? If we, do, I submit Tiger Woods as the penultimate Jackal/Gay Clone.

Jackalslist.org Ball DEEP is selling his whip

If you know anyone that needs a new set of wheels, tell em to buy Ball Deep's Pu$%y-wagon:

http://newjersey.craigslist.org/cto/1284678278.html

$500 off if you are a jackal, or if your name is Steven.

Friday Hottie: Megan Good/Odette Yustman

One of the many reasons why I have watched Stomp the Yard 5 million times: Megan Good is way hot. (I am not sure why she always does the eyebrow face though.) I attempted to watch The Unborn the other night...not exactly sure why. I was able to stomach about 33 seconds before I realized it was the worst movie ever made. But scrolled through the DVD just to get a few more glances at the lovely Megan and leading role Odette Yustman. Delicious...

GCOTD: Ben Affleck

I just watched Bigger, Faster, Stronger last night. I highly recommend my Jackals to check this joint out. Very funny and very good. Point/counter point on the whole Roids in America craze.

As a bonus it reminded me of this classic clip of Ben Affleck losing his shit in a big way from that old HBO family special. Too freaking funny. Sort of like a PG -13 version of the Jesse Spano, "I'm So Excited" saved by the bell meltdown. Enjoy.

Short changed...

Pardon me, suh, but could you spare some more details about your Big Fat Greek Vacation? I can only fantasize about the luxuries you and your Mrs. are "dabbling" in. I'm drawing out of my savings to pay my rent, chasing down $800 because it makes or breaks(right now it's breaking) my summer, working part time when I get a day off, only guy in my office not taking a vacation this summer(in-fucking-cluding interns! hot and unattractive alike), so your post was effortless, not funny, not "worldly", essentially all it accomplished was displacing my previous, funnier, Den-rejuvenating post. So thanks for that. Way to contribute fodder. P.S. get the Original BD, Rusty T., whatever his fuckin' name is on the list of contributors. He's putting in work. I'm really depressed by the amount of fantasy rosters he has, but I think he might have earned some posting rights. Him and Tico should do a tandem! SS, go fuck yourself!

Intercontinental Burn

I'm in Greece and drinking.

You all are at work.

SS > Everyone

Suck it.

Did you guys notice we broke 300 posts?

Probably not, because 70% of you are gayer than this commercial. I'm not sure what the fucking score is, but that commercial is GAF, fantasy football is GAF. Why would you want anything at stake besides YOUR football team's record on Sunday? I know exactly what you're thinking, "But, BMR, there's a cash prize!" I could give a fuck about a cash prize. Fantasy leagues should start up in November, when half the teams' fans realize they aren't contending. Stats don't win football games and when I see a half hour show discussing "fantasy football" I get really frickin' pissed. Apparently not as pissed as Ball Deep gets at y'all skrimps, though. So help me god if one of you fucks asks me to join your fantasy league. The day I accept your offer, I will also do the following:

figure out who Taylor Swift is and buy her record
open a MySpace account
watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy
watch a Harry Potter movie
open a Facebook account
stop finding cougars attractive
drink cqq99 under the table
tweet
say goodbye to sensi-Boogers McRib
apologize to FetusFace for calling him out repeatedly
assist FetusFace in being "deflowered"
consider a vote for Sarah Palin in 2012
get ripped off by the Melting Pot restaurant
drink a Bud Light Lime
play Flip Cup
enter a nude wheel barrow race in Dupont Circle
many other things I have absolutely no intention of doing...

Fantasy Football, go to fuckin' sleep!

Netflix this joint if you haven't already...

I tried my god damnedest to find a picture of FetusFace's glorious mug, but I think that d-bag's shi-grin sums it up pretty well. If you would like some FF-image related humor, check out the Google Image results when you search "his" name. Hilarious. Let's just say his first name trips more than a few hits for a make or model of CLONE. I'd just like to say you guys are doing your best Dirk Diggler and essentially snubbing Jack Horner for your buddy, Todd Parker, because it's all karate moves and meth for you. That's cool. I want to have the Den to fall back on when I'm having an unjackal day/week. I'm not so quick to

...so to speak. It probably helps that I'm the only one who understands my jibberposts anyway, but I know I want to drop some knowledge on these fools on occasion. My Dirty Birds are fixing to make a run at the AFC North and in essence, the NFL on the whole. I know the Jackals are going to come around. At the least, whoever intends to get awesome for several months preceding VM's nuptials. I still think summer is a hell of a time for jackalness, not sure why attendence is tapering off. Besides, work appears like it will be slow for at least another week or two. A Jackals Day In Court is a post that absolutely needs to grace this beautiful hag.

What's that? Jackals den back to eating a dick?

What's that?  The Den eats a fatty?  OK well fuck it. I have tried and tried to increase readership of this piece of shit, but it appears it is destined for failure.  Good luck jackals.  This is Ball Deep signing off.  Let me know when you grow a pair and decide to contribute to this shit.   A jackal cannot survive on his own entertainment.  As much as I love the den I feel that I and a few others are doing alot more giving than taking.  So this is my official goodbye.  See you in hell.  

Bitches.

European Jackalcation: Saturday Updates

From SS:

The party has entered a dark zone where people have had too much to drink and are flipping over furniture.  we may be entering a bat country. stay alert.

Jul 24 1:24am

From SS:

Wheres my jackals at? We just took close to a grand off the craps table on my roll and need to turn it into drinks before we gamble it  away...

Jul 25 1:34am

From SS:

Breakfast beer.  On fire.

Jul 25 9:08am

PS - Not sure who this dude is in the picture, but I am certain SS will run into at least 3 people that look exactly like him.

Oh, Fani...

I'm going to take this bitch to court like Greenberg & Bederman. I'm hoping she doesn't strike back with Ryan Saiontz or some bullshit. We going to school like Ivan Drago and Apollo Creed, only in my version, the American fucks some shit up. I can't wait to tell the judge how she recommended I heat up my bath water on the stove. Or how I only had heat and hot water because my boy Miller was cool enough to wait for the guy to come turn it on. I hope my judge is a huge cunt like Judge Judy or maybe more of a Wopner. Either way, BMR is gettin' his collect on. And yes, we'll be near the, uh--some burgers, some beers, a few laughs. Our fucking troubles are over, Dude.

European Jackalcation: Live Update

From SS:

Out of work. Arm on cooler. Awesomeness about to be gotten.

10:47am

Bad ass Jackal: Kevin Barnes

Good news is official today for the Skins.

Courtesy Redskins.com:

The Redskins have signed rookie cornerback Kevin Barnes, the team announced
on Thursday. Barnes, a University of Maryland product, was the
Redskins’ third-round selection (80th overall) in the 2009 NFL Draft.
The
6-0, 187-pounder was the highest selection Washington has used on a cornerback
since the team drafted Carlos Rogers with the ninth overall pick in 2005
At
Maryland, Barnes started all 20 games the last two seasons and recorded 85
tackles, including 5.5 for a loss, six interceptions, two forced fumbles and 14
passes defended.

Oh, and if that does nothing for you there is this:

Hooowwwwwwwwlllllllllll

Not now Chief, I'm in the fucking zone!

We all knew this day would come eventually, the day I left the shackles of the real world for two weeks of vacation in the Greek Islands. But what will come of the Den? Will it survive?

My main Ninjas BD and BMR have been holding shit down the last few weeks. My own Jackaldom has been lacking as the corporate man has been holding me down. How can I fix this? What can I do? What can anyone do?

This is my promise. Tonight while getting awesome in Atlantic City I pledge to text BD and BMR an update for posting. While overseas I pledge to get online with my brother in laws computer and post on any and all Jackalisms. Can you imagine the number of Jackal statues I will purchase so close to the Jackals epicenter in Egypt? Epic it shall be.

So Jackals, I beg of you, do not let me come home to the harsh realities of the real world and a Den that is vacant and deceased. For the love of Anubis don't let that happen.

One.

Me and Boog = Schlek Brothers minus the Gay Clone outfits

Frank Schlek doing his best Jonathan Impression

The Schleck brothers (boog and I) overtake Armstrong (ya'll bitch asses)

"I'm very proud of myself -- I'm proud of my brother," Frank Schleck (BD) said. The Schlecks (boog and I) were the main attackers against Contador (Gay Clones) during the final two punishing climbs (posts), and at times took turns relaying each other or trying to shake the Spaniard (jackals not holding shit down).

"We bet everything -- make or break it," Frank Schleck (BD said) said." We deserved to win ... we attacked one after another. We countered well -- it was a good tactic."

Boog and I are holding this shit down like a motherfucka....once again.  Ya'lls is some scrimps.

JOTD: After the Fact

This is an obvious one, but check out this guy's quotes. He's jackal to the bone. I got all kinds of love for environmentalists, that's true. Got to hand to him for sticking with the wife who kind of looks like Linda Hamilton. Howl at a fallen jackal. He probably hung out with real jackals at some point.

"Because when they strike it can be that quick that if they're within range, you're dead, you're dead in your tracks. And his head weighs more than my body so it's WHACK!"

"I bled a lot. I got hit across the face. We couldn't film for seven days. I got hit, whacked, underwater, across the face. I finished the shot, got into the boat and blood started coming out. "

"I have no fear of losing my life - if I have to save a koala or a crocodile or a kangaroo or a snake, mate, I will save it. "(When that quote starts off, you're like, "goddamn, ninja" and then you're all "oh, that's, that's cool too")

"My field is with apex predators, hence your crocodiles, your snakes, your spiders. "

Pretty Fuckin' Tired of Seeing That Previa

So here are some completely random portraits.

We need to do a jackal portrait session when time allows

Jackal Transit: Toyota Previa

Lost your nuts because you have to sell your sports car to get a family friendly ride? Cop that Previa, yo. Or grab an Odyssey, dem joints is tight too. Slap a DVD on fo yo jackals in the back. Drop SOP LP at full blast at a tailgate with room to spare. Back in the day, me and Nuggets a.k.a. voicemail laid down a track about the Previa at the O's game in our youf. (5th grade I think?) I am thinking about getting one and putting some spinner hubcaps and some neon lights for underneath. (Come on Aldente, you know you are getting pissed reading this. Come out from gay clone hiding, damn you!)

"Toyota Previa...it looks like a football...and when you sit in it, ya feel
like ya sittin; still"

- MC WORD and DJ WRD

Rapture Imminent: These Parents Should Be Drawn and Quartered

If you have yet to lose faith in humanity and the decency of America, look no further than TLC(once stood for The Learning Channel, now synonymous with brain toilet). They ran J&K+8 into the sixth layer of hell, why not plaster some cosmetics on toddlers and start them on a path of beauty competitions(because the world isn't enough of a beauty contest anyway, see John McCain's 2008 running mate) when all they want to do is play Nintendo DS?   

GCOTD: Big Ben

It would not be the NFL without some offseason Legal trouble. What a moron. Remember a few years ago with this dickhead crashed his motorcycle without a helmet? Seriously Big Ben, your a douche.

So let me get this straight, so if you pay someone millions of dollars to play a kids game and allow them to glide through school and life and then expect them not a be retard they will be one anyway?

Crazy Enough to Work

I fucking love dogs. Don't get me wrong. I was really fucking pissed when I found out what MV and his jigga-whos were up to down there. Hear me out on this. The Ravens already have a reputation for stabbing ninjas and generally disregarding human well-being. Derrick Mason, shocked I'm sure by the shooting death of his good friend while he was boozed up and getting very unjackal with a mistress(jackals are monogamous, ba-leeve it!), has left the dirty birds in need of a solid receiver. It's been the speculation of many that Michael Vick should have never been an NFL quarterback. Football is too much of a team sport for the running quarterback to ever be a truly dominant force.

At this point, reinstatement would only allow Vick to attend a training camp. I don't see the harm in trying Vick out for six weeks. Any thoughts on whether this might work or not, jackals? I submit it would be one of the top three most exciting offenses to watch in the NFL, given that it's my team, I would obviously vote THE most exciting, but I'm trying to be somewhat objective. Cam Cameron drew up some rediculous shit last year, this play being one of the prettier ones. Welcome back, SS. I almost told you, specifically, to wise from your gwabe, but you chimed in in a timely fashion and for that, all jackals are put on notice.

Hoooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwllllllllllllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's right my ninjas and my ninjettes, Scar Shoulders is back up in this motha fucka, let's take it back to June 2009!!!

Work be holding a brother down like a DC United scarf weighing down the awesomeness of fallen Jackals. But like Dr Dre breaking free from BAN like Easy E and Tim Dogg I've shed the shackles of the IT overlords and am ready to get awesome as it once was and shall always be.

So what have I missed in the Den? General Boogers and Ball D behavior from Boogers and Ball D. Did our new contributor step up to the plate while I was sidelined with an injury? Negative. Did Head post? If by post you mean guzzle dick. Did VM figure out how to string 8 paragraphs together and get his link on? He did about as much as Pontius attended a real sporting event.

For fuckin shame. The Ewing Theory certainly wasn't in effect during my absence. But I'm back, and I'm dedicated until I head off to AC Friday at noon and then Greece for 2 weeks. So get ready to get awesome and then get choked by the vapors.

B
A
L
E
E
V
E


I
T
!

Hey, Jackals Den...

Media Microscope fetishing motherfuckers

Why is the media in this microscope fetish?

Ok, so I understand having ~12 hrs of programming mean that there is a lot of shit talkers and shit. BUT FUCKING STOP!!

There is no need to take every subject and break it down with a bunch of idiots who want to be in TV!

STOP....

New Recruits

Yeah, believe it. I hired two new contributors because they gave me their word they'd rep the Den. Not sure how I'll compensate them for their time, but I could start with KOTJ & QOTJ's first born. I asked them what to do about all of my boogers and they said this guy had no such problems.

On a related matching shirt note, it's believed that this man wouldn't have brutally murdered his wife if she hadn't made him wear the same shirt.

And these are currently on back order, but don't worry, I've ordered one for every "contributor" to the Den.

Alright, everyone except Tico, that guy's eyes are wide fuckin' open. Can someone translate? What microscope obsession is he referring to? I see what you mean, it sucks to not understand another jackal's post.

And I Would Do Anything For Love...

Fifty dollars to the jackal who can tell me the sex of that blonde thing...

*sex must be verified by reaching into this creature's pants before BMR gives you one red cent.

While you try to figure it out, check this kid out, awesome.

Wack ass food: Ball Deep performs his best Alky Jay Impression towards the point of puking

As a native Marylander, I take pride in eating giant insect looking things from the sea that other people would rather die than consume. I have tried just about every nasty ass bottom feeder there is from raw oysters, to Crabs, to worms, to goldfish, to eel, also pork brains, and of course giant (cell phone-sized) moths on the glass door at Royal Farms...you name it. But I have found my nemesis in the shit eating world and his name is Mussels.

These little bastards caused me an epic diarrhea and vomit display back on my anniversary dinner in June that lasted a solid (actually not solid at all) 24 hours. Down at Long Beach Island in NJ this past weekend. I decided to tempt fate yet again and reunite with this horrendous creature at the local seafood restaurant. Now granted I was driving so there were no adult libations to quell any uneasy seas so I had to rely on good grace of the Lord to see me through. Turns out this was the wrong move because I proceded to unleash a brutal display of rejection into the toilet, not seen since Jenna Bithrow rejected the "It's just me, Boogers McRib" approach Boogers used while climbing into bed with the unsuspecting minx back in the Glenelg days.

So my advice to you, my jackals, is that if something spends it's life eating other creatures shit, it is probably best to avoid it (unless it is a Maryland Blue from a reputable restaurant, then go nuts.) No matter how jackal it may seem at the time. It is important to reemphasize that no awesomeness was performed in the beverage department which most likely could have prevented the entire episode. In addition, I ate seafood from probably the most polluted waters in the world...i'm just sayin' Fuck NJ.

JOTD: Short Sleeves/Shubert/Dr. Trunk/Alabama Ass Maverick

If you haven't turned 30, and you've had forty-six cars, you're a jackal. If you are notorious for reeling in underage punanny, you're a jackal. If you stopped using condoms because you can perform your own abortions, you're a jackal. If you rent a room at a wedding reception and decide midway through the night that you'd rather sleep in the trunk of an '04 Sebring, you're a jackal. If you crap iPhones, you're a jackal. If you decide you don't care for a nickname that your buddy, BallDeep thinks is hilarious, and your means of conveying your disapproval is a jackal to jackal punch in the face, you're a jackal. So, fellow jackals, roll up a sleeve or two for our Jackal Down South, or get enviromental wid' it and carpool to work in a friend's trunk. We're raisin' a leg to Shubes, keep an eye on your little sisters and if you're in the Charleston, South Carolina region, let's just say, play it safe.

Fellow Jackals in the Blogospher

It appears we're not alone, funny dig at Mike and Mike (Suck and Fuck)

http://remington3200.blogspot.com/2005/04/mike-and-mike-suck-and-suck.html

BMR+Ball Deezy=Good Ol' Days

We're reppin' this bitch hard as a motherfucker. It's a two-man Jackals Den renaissance and call me Rocky Balboa, but I didn't hear no bell. I did hear Fetus Face talk a bunch of garbage about how crappy the Den was. Since being called out by numerous posts, dude hasn't said peep. I'm just typing...

Pontius: Appointment of the BM frightens me

I think it has been long enough now to openly discuss the pending nuptials of our beloved Nuggets a.k.a. VoiceMail.

If not, my bad for blowing up your spot, VoiceMail. It's not like I said you were having a kid like some other jackals in the room. (cough). I, myself, am quite fired up at the pairing for the obvious reasons, soon-to-be-Ms. Voicemail is JAF, as well as the fact that it is yet another excuse to get awesome. At any rate, if you haven't heard already, Pontius is in the driver's seat for sending him off into the married life. Based on his mancation performance, needless to say I am more than a little concerned.

Don't get me wrong, Pontius has been on the right side of getting awesome on more than one occasion. But someone that spends their time scouring ebay for DC United scarfs and rocking out to the Decemberists on his iPhone while riding on his fixie in the mean streets of DC does leave room for concern.

I have not heard any murmurs of possible BP ideas, and I am certain it will go off without a hitch, but I have a feeling I am not alone in having some reservations about the possible Gay Clone infiltration of said event. Thoughts?

Boogerdamus

I don't want to sound like too much of a homer here, but this season could be a breakout of a breakout season for Ed Reed, even though every fucking quarterback knows not to throw to this guy. The reason I think so is the team's sudden depth at the cornerback position. One interception through eleven games last year and then eight interceptions in the remaining six games. He's got Dawan Landry coming back, I'M JUST SAYING, if the interceptions start before the tenth game of the season, you're going to see a lot of highlight film. Carson Palmer has already started shitting his gold fleece undies. Oh no, you lost Bart Scott! That's gonna be harder to overcome than losing Adalius Thomas. 

You're a Crazy Bitch, But You Cook Cats So Good I'm On Top of It...

By request I've trimmed the fat off of this post. The short version. Bitch is nuts, she threw a kitten in an oven on broil. If you're a humanitarian, click the link.

P.S. Cycling is GAF