ESPN Sucks

Someone tell me why this fat fuck gets any job, much less a job on a sports network. Not only is he a gigantic fat ass, with no athletic experience or expertise, he is not funny. This reminds me of a microcosm of American politics. The fact that he can and does helps me understand how Mitt Romney is remotely a possibility for the next president of the United States of America.

Working Monday Is For Sucks When Your Boys Play On Monday Night Football

Goddamnit. I can't get anything done today. I just want to get awesome and listen to clone-ass ESPN reporters hype tonight's game some more. I really should have called out sick today.

GCOTD: ESPN's Lazy Ass

This is the worst hour of ESPN's dreadful 24-hour lineup. I do like PTI and Around the Horn, because they at least take stands on sports stories. Fuck an entire hour turned over to sports bloggers and fanatical followers willing to bicker and refresh, bicker and refresh. It's like ESPN said, "Why write a terrible sports talk show, when we can let the viewers do it, they only want to see reported what they think anyway." NFL Live, Mark Schlereth is taking the Steelers? Shocker. Trey Wingo thinks, hold on, no one gives a fuck what Trey Wingo thinks. Mike and Dike in the Morning, I'd rather fall asleep next to Lorena Bobbitt. SportsNation, you're getting put to sleep. We're gonna get the Jackals Den a camera crew, rent the studio space next door and then stomp your fuckin' ass like whoa. Go asleep!

JOTW: Scar Shoulders

You ever see the Den in 42 inches of glorious HD? There's a reason fools call ScarShoulders the Osiris of this shit. Large and in charge son. It's how it's done.

The 4 letter thought they were gonna keep me from slitting my wrists after watching the Terps game Saturday by pushing the game to their ESPN360 channel, which isn't really a channel at all, it's the fucking interweb. In the words of pre stroke Lee Corso, NOT SO FAST SWEETHEART! 30 bucks at Best Buy later your boy was cursing James Franklin live and direct as the good lord Anubis intended.

Fast forward 4 hours and SS is picking up the slack for Pontius, who pissed in the post toasties by forgetting to get beer for the Redskins tailgate, carrying beer back from Giant with VoiceMail. Jackals help Jackals even if they aren't down for the tailgate.

Awesome was gotten.

Fast forward another 12 hours and you find SS on the V St court running ball with David Axelrod and Gene Sperling. Who knew this old ass Obama Bama who shoots the ball spinning sideways like a chest pass would go 19 of 30 from beyond the arc? Mad respect...

Next thing you know it's Sunday night and your boy is holding it down dog sitting Murray of the Jungle for KOTJ so him and his lioness can enjoy a night at the beach for their birthdays.

Then the Giants beat down the Cowboys.

The life of SS is a mysterious siren indeed, but that MoFo always keeps it JAF, Jackal as Fuck.

Baleeve it.


Shit, did Scar Shoulders just post giving himself props? Can you even do that?

That's Scar Shoulders fool! He can do whatever he wants! Respect thy gangsta!!

GCOESPN(gay clone of ESPN, which says a fuckin' lot)

The Ravens never get mentioned on ESPN until their wideout(a hardcore jackal motherfucker) decides he's going to retire. Merrill(ex-Steeler/Shittsburghian) looks like he's prepared to get an assfull in this photo. I'm gonna miss Derrick Mason, the dude howls like a mamba jamba. But what are we supposed to do? I find it hilarious that one of the NFL's most under-appreciated wideouts is retiring after a Hall of Fame-worthy career and the topic is "What will the Ravens do at wideout?" Shittsburgh, you're fucked come November 29 regardless, but that's a long time for us to figure out who will be Joe's guy. Yo, Merrill Hoge! Go to fuckin' sleep!