Ol' Filthy and SS have been reppin' Five Guys for the longest, but that shizzle just started to jump off in Dirty Jersey recently. I was a 5G virgin until tonight so although I have heard stories, I had yet to see, smell and devour for myself.
After working a 12 hour shift I knew a Turkey and swiss wasn't going to get the job done, so I popped off at Gary's Wine and Spirits (you have to see this place, any beer you can imagine and aisles and aisles of wine...if you are into that sort of thing.) I picked up my weekly sleeve of silver bullets and a six pack of random micro brew. Today happened to be Cricket Hill American Lager brewed down the street from me... not bad i might add.
While doing the standard debate of Pizza or Chinee Foo Spesha derivery that comes with a long work day, I happened across a beacon of red light that called to me like a jackal's howl deep in the foothills of the Broconos. It read "Five Guys". What an amazing place. Think Chipotle meets Jerry's. I ordered up a "regular" cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato, ketchup, mustard, onions and pickles. The cashier called my name and I had to ask her to be sure she gave me the right order. The grease covered bag weighed at least 2-3 lbs. Not one but 2 massive patties carefully crafted on a giant grill of grease by a culinary master in a floppy red hat. Heaping toppings and cheese crammed atop and placed perfectly in a grease filled aluminum sleeve of goodness. A small styrofoam 80z cup was placed in a paper bag along with 25 tons of fried potato...peanut oil. baalleeevvee it.
Let me tell you Jackals. After the first bite, I can tell you this is probably the best burger I have ever eaten. I then completed the feast by devouring more french fries and washed them down with a few bottles of Cricket Hill.
A feast fit for a jackal, indeed.
Yeah, I've been listening to Five Guys banter for over a year now and I was led to believe it was the best dining establishment for obliterating hunger since Chipotle. I heard about numerous NoVa escapades with SS and Ol' Filthy being born again at the hands of ground cow and potato slices. I was told, "Oh, the little burger is plenty..." and "They fill the bag of fries to the brim!" I was optimistic. Why shouldn't I be? Since when does SS lead a jackal astray? Never. Little cheeseburger, fries and a Coke. What's the damage, BMR? Nine fucking dollars and thirty two cents!?!?! Can I have a fucking blow job with my burger and fries? Am I a fucking skrimp? Is that burger constituted of ground filet mignon? Boycott starts now, Five Guys. Your prices are bullshit. If I had felt particularly hungry, would I have broken the ten dollar threshold? For a fucking burger? I hate you. SS, you led a jackal astray. BD2x, you had a Five Guys post at one point or another, why didn't you explain this to a jackal? I will defer to the drawing below to summarize:
