Keep Fucking That Chicken: Harold Camping

"We've always said May 21 was the day, but we didn't understand altogether the spiritual meaning," he said. "The fact is there is only one kind of people who will ascend into heaven ... if God has saved them they're going to be caught up." Camping then acknowledged he was, in fact, the inspiration for Jeff Dunham's ventriloquist alter-ego, Walter.

How fucking self-centerd can we be as a species? It's bad enough thinking that God spun all of this into motion for the good of man. So he could walk around in 'god's own image' and fuck up everything God gave him. Yeah, "It took me seven days to make you all this shit, so be sure and fuck it up real good, okay? Alright, I'll be back when you're done."

You stupid fucking honkey. It won't end in October either. And if you say one goddamn thing about another miscalculation, I'm gonna dip into my 401(k), buy a plane ticket and come kick you in your 89 year-old balls. Die, fucker!

FallOut Bunkers Boogers Style!

Thought some Jackals might be interested in saving their hinds come 2012. Maybe we can all pool our money and get one of the "apocalyptic 2012 shelters" mentioned.

Instead of a wine room we get a MGD room and a THC room and hell while we are at it, a peyote room.

I dunno, might be my best idea to date...........

Jackal Memories of my childhood: Metallica pre-GAFness

gold Jerry.....gold


fitting to what is going on in 'Merica

Nomination: Gay Clone of the Century, 20th Century: Harry S Truman

Nice glasses and combover gay clone.

Born in the epically gay 1880s Missouri Harry Truman is best known as the 33rd president of the United States. Like many not ready for prime time players Truman lucked into the job when FDR dropped dead only 82 days after the inauguration. Shortly thereafter Truman began piling up the Epic Fails that will change the world forever, like BallDeep racks up Jackals Den Posts.

Epic Fail #1 - Dropping the Atomic Bombs on Hiroshima and Nagosaki. The war was already fucking over. Berlin had already fallen and Japan was on the verge of surrendering. But like any little dick asshole with a chance to humiliate his opponent Truman went for the off the backboard pass to himself windmill jam on the breakaway up 10 with 20 seconds left on the clock. Unfortunately the retaliation isn't a hard foul the next time the two teams meet but every crazy ass world leader from that moment onward saying "I just HAVE to get me one of those nuclear weapons...". End result for everyone in the world, we know exactly what will lead to the end of human life on this planet, a Nuclear Holocaust. Thanks Harry! Way to go! You showed out and we all get fucked!

Epic Fail #2 - Establishing Israel in Palestine as opposed to Argentina. Truman was a key figure in the establishment of the Jewish state in the Palestine Mandate. Fuck man this shit was retarded for a number of extremely simple reasons. #1 the Palestinians and Jews were already killing the shit out of each other in what is now Israel for 30 years before the stupid decision was made to ship another 1.5 million Jews into the area. #2 It's a small fucking area you just shipped 1.5 million extra people to. #3 It's the beginning of civilization for both of those religions so all the fucking lunatics who believe in fairy tales are gonna be extra fucking excited about dying for the cause. #4 Jackals in their animal form are native to the territory, never fuck with Jackals. This decision isn't made and the relationship our country has with the Middle East would be drastically different, plain and simple.

For fun let's go through the list of wars American has been involved in for the last 40 years and see how many of them are a result of Truman's Epic Fails.

1. Korean War (1950–1953) Communist North Korea, supported by China, invaded non-communist South Korea. UN forces, principally made up of U.S. troops, fought successfully to protect South Korea. The Korean War was the first armed conflict in the global struggle between democracy and communism, called the cold war. I'll give Truman 1/3 credit for this one as with all the other cold wars which are only necessary because we were afraid the communists would get Nuclear Weapons. Bonus points to North Korea now having them and hating us for supporting the south in this war.


2. Bay of Pigs (1961) The U.S. orchestrated the invasion, an unsuccessful attempt by Cuban exiles to overthrow Fidel Castro's communist regime in Cuba. 1/3 credit, props to Castro for being a bad ass and standing 80 miles off the coast of Florida with one middle finger in the air at the US for 50 years and the other middle finger in the air at his people. What a bad ass.


3. Vietnam War (1961–1973) In 1955, communist North Vietnam invaded non-communist South Vietnam in an attempt to unify the country and impose communist rule. The United States joined the war on the side of South Vietnam in 1961, but withdrew combat troops in 1973. In 1975 North Vietnam succeeded in taking control of South Vietnam.
   Dominican Republic (1965) President Lyndon Johnson sent marines and troops to quash a leftist uprising in the Dominican Republic, fearing the island nation would follow in the footsteps of Cuba and turn communist. 1/3 credit.


4. Lebanon (1982–1984) U.S. troops formed part of a multinational peacekeeping force to help the fragile Lebanese government maintain power.


5. Grenada (1983) President Reagan invaded the Caribbean nation of Grenada to overthrow its socialist government, which had close ties with Cuba. 1/3 credit. We only go to Greneda cause we suck at going to Cuba.


6. Panama (1989) President George H.W. Bush invaded Panama and overthrew Panamanian dictator and drug-smuggler Manuel Noriega. No credit but this is a HILARIOUS description of overthrowing the leader we supported and helped get into power a mere 6-8 years earlier. Ever hear of the Iran-Contra affair? yeah....


7. Gulf War (1991) Iraq invaded Kuwait, and a U.S.-led multinational force came to Kuwait's aid and expelled Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein's forces. Full credit. Direct result of relationship with Israel.


8. Somalia (1993) A U.S.-led multinational force attempted to restore order to war-torn Somalia so that food could be delivered and distributed within the famine-stricken country.


9. Bosnia (1994–1995) During the Bosnian civil war, which began shortly after the country declared independence in 1992, the U.S. launched air strikes on Bosnia to prevent “ethnic cleansing,” primarily by Serbs against Bosnians. The U.S. became a part of NATO's peacekeeping force in the region.


10. Kosovo (1999) Yugoslavia's province of Kosovo erupted into violence in the spring of 1999. A U.S.-led NATO force intervened with air strikes after Slobodan Milosevic's Serbian forces uprooted the population and embarked on the ethnic cleansing of Kosovo's ethnic Albanian population.


11. Afghanistan (2001– ) The Taliban government harbored Osama bin Laden and the al-Qaeda terrorist group, responsible for the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks on the United States. After Afghanistan refused to turn over Bin Laden, the U.S. and UN coalition forces invaded. The Taliban government was ousted and many terrorist camps in Afghanistan were destroyed. U.S. and NATO troops remain in Afghanistan to support its fragile new government. Full credit. Direct result of relationship with Israel leading to first gulf war leading to 9/11.
12. Iraq War (2003– ) The U.S. and Great Britain invaded and toppled the government of dictator Saddam Hussein. Troops remain in Iraq to combat the insurgency that formed after Hussein's defeat. Full credit. Direct result of relationship with Israel leading to first gulf war leading to 9/11.
    

So what's that add up to, 4 1/3 out of 12 including just about all the big ones? Way to fucking go numb nuts. I hope I meet one of your grandchildren so I can punch them in the fucking throat. If any Jackal can do me a favor and locate a Truman statue I would love to UNF the fuck out of it with actual urine and feces as well as print outs of this post.

I recognize that the perpetual state of war we are in employs multiple members of The Jackals Den, myself included. Jackals are allowed to work for the man and hate the man all at the same time. Jackals are complex and mischievous like that. Read up on your Jackal Tales if you don't know that.

Jackals Den 100th Post UNF The World Extravaganza!

What better place to represent the Jackals' Den 100th post than from the privacy of the porcelain throne. Five to ten years ago I would have had to go sit in front of a computer screen to hammer out a post as important as this one, but thanks to modern technology, here I am and...





wait... wait for it...




*PLOP*



Ooh. Splashed my ass a little. I hate it when that happens. Now I have twice the cleanup.


Where was I?


Anyway -- since all the posters on this blog will probably be far more verbose than I, I'll cut this short by saying, niggaz wanna pop shit, I'll pop clips. Bitch, I'll put my dick on ya lips.


Over and out,

AS

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Four score and seven days ago our jackals brought forth on this den, a new blog, conceived in Jackalism, and dedicated to the proposition that all jackals are created equal and the rest of us are all gay clones.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war among us, testing whether that blog, or any blog so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great 100th post of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that blog, as a final resting place for those who here gave their nuts over to the clones that that den might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this blog. The brave jackals, cradle to the grave, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the blogging, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored jackals we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these jackals shall not have blogged in vain -- that this blog, with all my jackals, shall have a new birth of jackalism -- and that blog of the jackals, by the jackals, for the jackals, shall not perish from the earth.

HHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!


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"QUACK WEAk ass shit" was the first thing clones thought this blog was going to produce ..."web trash", "non sense web noise" was expected...



Well guess what BITCHES? Jackals are busting caviar semen on your monitors! We got Flash, we got comic strips, we got movie/album reviews!



We shitting skittles, and skull fucking clones and GAF shit!


Maddox go hang yourself, we got this!


HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLL

Tico (obviously)


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God, I hope you stumbled upon this page by accident. Hopefully, you're a religious freak who is convinced that every contributor is an agent of Beezilbub himself. On your way out, do me a solid and take the sandy rake out of your Virginia Baked Ham wallet. 100 mutha fuckin' jackalisms. That calls for celebration. Ol' Dirty Chinese Restaurant wouldn't believe it if you told him. A lot of things have happened in this first week. We had jackal-on-jackal fecal toss, we saw Mancation relived in comic shorts, we pointed out a couple gay clones among us, that would have otherwise gone undetected. Gay clones are like roaches in Northeast DC. The weather is nice, so you throw on some flip-flops and walk the dog. Little do you know, on a hot summer night, they're scurrying across the sidewalk and you look like Fred Astaire shuffling and dancing around them. It's like, dude, all I want to do is walk my dog(be a jackal) and I keep having to watch my step and walk around roaches(look out for gay clones). Jackals are evolving. The Jackals Den is perpetuating their influence, thanks to the internets and wide world of webs. As we commemorate this milestone, let's reflect upon the jackals that paved the way. For there will always be a yard to stomp. Skrimpture won't stop so long as the world is revolving. This aggression will not stand. This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass. Happy Hunny, Jackals Den. Here's to you sproutin' a couple little black curlies.


BMR







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Everyone sing along with me...

GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep, GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep IF YOU'RE TIRED BE QUIET AND GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep

[scarshoulders]

Maaan, I tell the web to go to sleep (go to sleep)

jackals blog is rype and hype, gotta make 'em six feet deep'

Cause we knock 'em unconscious with that non-sense

Read in between that fine print, think about jackal con-tent

Then about where your time spent surfin other websites; a ten HUUUT!

I send babyface and voicemail sheeyit, ninja WHAAAT?

If ya tired ya tired, if ya snooze ya lose

But'chu you won't wrap up ya bandages, or heal you wound

[boogers mcrib]

Ninja I got interns and brodie - I love hydro and Henne' !

All white and skinny, but I've fucked up so many

I got h street on lock - if we beefin' I blast

You sleepin' I laugh, ask tico, I'm off the ripo

I had this anon who talked too much; I had to off the bitch

cartoons, Mr. Crayola; ninjas know what I mean'

Cause I slang brown, white, yellow, purple and green

And all you faggot-muthafuckas gotta know the routine

GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep, GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep IF YOU'RE TIRED BE QUIET AND GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep

[Ball deep]

Bitch it's me again, kickin' in your fuckin' internet

I look for videos - I ain't lookin' for you blog

You bitch can't com-prehend; let me put one in ya bro

Let me put one in ya bro, so you ninjas can go to sleep

So, lay down bitch; gimme all that you dreamed for

Gimme fancy cars, gimme bling-bling-bling, boi

It don't mean a thing, boi, for me that ain't gon' swing, boi

Them god damn toys; do you know what I mean, boi?

[tico]

Now if you warrin' and runnin' from them jackal ninjas

This loco ese gon' give a reason to sleep, ninja

Or bustin' massive nut in yo face

My last trip to dc fucked yo myspace

I'm strippin' bitches and I'm a ballin fucker with a limp

They call me infer-stripper, sexy, red web's pimp

And quick to sick her on the ninja 'cause this what it's 'bout

We rob that trick and stick his dick off in his fuckin' mouth

We costa rican

GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep, GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep IF YOU'RE TIRED BE QUIET AND GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep

[head]

North, north, south, south, chapel hill, blacksburgh

Ninja we make wizard staffs; never drinking bottled beers

manor woods in this bitch; 8 foots, ya know we ball

Hooked up with my ninja scar, then we head to college park

Playas wild, throwin' bows, tellin' bloggers, "Fuck you clone!"

Kyle blogging bout some hoe, needs to put the ice cream down

Mayne this town is like my town, so we stayed and hung around

head be smart as fuck; catch me in the mensa club

[aledente schwanz]

Better use common sense checkin' me out for a philly jackal

And up, get yaself put in shackles

Without brian dawkins, behind me gettin' handcuffed by a slut

Look, I'm from jersey what?

Southjerse ninjas throw it up when it's time to get buck

Ninjas in the back of the club postin' up

Waitin' for a ninja that's raw to jackal it up

As in, ain't no askin'; it's no tolerance as long bitch check in

She wit' me, comments will only get'chu basically eternally resting

So abide by the code of the streets

If ya got a bitch better keep her on a leash

Cuz a schwanz gonna creep in ya home while you gone

Have you comin' back findin' unf on yo' sheets

GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep, GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep IF YOU'RE TIRED BE QUIET AND GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep

Jackal Childhood Memories: Butthole Surfers

Fucking awesome song from back in the day.