JOTD: Scar Shoulders

I'm gonna get so fuckin Jackal today you might need to invent a new word for Jackaling it up. I've already ran about 10 errands had breakfast and am about to go workout. Tonight will be beyond your wildest dreams as far as getting awesome is concerned. I hope all of you are down to celebrate my birthday to death. Howl at your fucking boy. Caps at 5. District Chophouse at 8. Rock and Roll Hotel at 10:30. After party at 3. Be there or be clone.

Getting Awesome Battle for the Family Crown

It's on. It has been brought to my attention via a text pic message

early this morning that Babyface is coming for my crown. King of the Shoulders family awesome getters. You want some of this son? You think staying up later than me one Saturday night when I went to bed sick after 16 hours of getting awesome gives you this crown? You think you got the gravitas to get moto loco with SS ese?

BRING

IT

ON

Vegas you better watch the fuck out, Jackals got crowns to reclaim.

(I) Fuck with your soul like ether

(WILL) Teach you the king you know you

(NOT) "Gods Son" across the belly

(LOSE) I prove you lost already

JOTW: Scar Shoulders

You ever see the Den in 42 inches of glorious HD? There's a reason fools call ScarShoulders the Osiris of this shit. Large and in charge son. It's how it's done.

The 4 letter thought they were gonna keep me from slitting my wrists after watching the Terps game Saturday by pushing the game to their ESPN360 channel, which isn't really a channel at all, it's the fucking interweb. In the words of pre stroke Lee Corso, NOT SO FAST SWEETHEART! 30 bucks at Best Buy later your boy was cursing James Franklin live and direct as the good lord Anubis intended.

Fast forward 4 hours and SS is picking up the slack for Pontius, who pissed in the post toasties by forgetting to get beer for the Redskins tailgate, carrying beer back from Giant with VoiceMail. Jackals help Jackals even if they aren't down for the tailgate.

Awesome was gotten.

Fast forward another 12 hours and you find SS on the V St court running ball with David Axelrod and Gene Sperling. Who knew this old ass Obama Bama who shoots the ball spinning sideways like a chest pass would go 19 of 30 from beyond the arc? Mad respect...

Next thing you know it's Sunday night and your boy is holding it down dog sitting Murray of the Jungle for KOTJ so him and his lioness can enjoy a night at the beach for their birthdays.

Then the Giants beat down the Cowboys.

The life of SS is a mysterious siren indeed, but that MoFo always keeps it JAF, Jackal as Fuck.

Baleeve it.


Shit, did Scar Shoulders just post giving himself props? Can you even do that?

That's Scar Shoulders fool! He can do whatever he wants! Respect thy gangsta!!

Intercontinental Burn

I'm in Greece and drinking.

You all are at work.

SS > Everyone

Suck it.

King of the Jungle Relinquishes His Throne Due To Death By Suffocation!!

How long does this fool think he can hold his breath for? Is this ninja David Blaine (future GCOTD by the way)? How can one man with such a great haircut and away message fail so epically?

The KOTJ is dead my friends, and much like The Lion King a new more devious leader has emerged named Scar...Scar Shoulders... baleeve it!

Evan's Birthday All You Can Eat Crab Lunch (A Somewhat Comprehensive Recap)

Saturday June the 13th, the year of our Jackal 2009, was much like the month of March. In like a lion and out like a lamb. Your faithful narrator had quite a Friday evening, as was explained in some detail in an earlier post. After rising with the sun and walking 15 blocks to Union Station I settled into a metro bench and waited 19 minutes for the next red line train, Glenmont bound..


Upon entering the train I settled into a back right chair and attempted to enjoy the pulsating rythems of my iPod Nano while keeping my eye out for any metro shenanigans. I also kept track of the metro stops as they went by to ensure I did not miss my chance to photograph a tag of the word "STRIKE" I had seen on my way into the city the night before. I would get into greater detail here why this tag would be a fine picture to have, but in the spirit of keeping this post short and to the point I will leave that for another time. Once I passed the Brookland station I knew the tag was upcoming and I readyed my camera phone. I saw the tag, I hit the button, and . . . . . . . drats! I missed!!
This first epic fail of the day would not damper my spirits however, for today, I had all you can eat crabs to conquor.

Upon returning to Silver Spring I picked up my trustee stallion from the garage I left it in the night before and made my way home. After a 2 hour nap and a short conversation with the Mrs. I readied myself for the tassk at hand. I took the dog for a short walk, drank a couple of glasses of water, and even talked to Boogers about the hilarity of the night before. Eventually the time of departure was upon us, and I asked Heather if she wouldn't mind driving. Into the Civic we went.

A short drive back tracking into Silver Spring was in order to pick up Heathers friend Beth. Beth was kind enough to pick me up a Starbucks iced coffee which I sorely needed. "Big" was the size I ordered, it was not enough...

We made our way back over to the Beltway and headed off to Annapolis MD and Cantlers Riverside Inn. The drive was quite scenic and pleasant although I was a bit hungover, and many laughs were had recalling the tomfoolery of the night before. We were running a bit late so I sent Evan a text "running a bit late, save us crabs". Eventually we made our way down the windy road to Cantlers and desended upon the fine dining establishment.

Upon our arrival pleasantries were exchanged and I sat down to the all you can eat crabs. Some of you may be crab "picking" (this means eating) novices so I will now quickly let you know how it is done.

Step One: Select a Crab
Pick a nice heavy crab with large claws. Turn the crab upside down to determine if it is a male or female. Some people prefer the taste of male crabs (also known as “Jimmies”) to female crabs (or “Sooks”). Jimmies and Sooks are easy to tell apart by the shape of the apron in the center of the crab’s underside. Jimmies have a long and narrow apron that looks like an upside down “T”. Sooks have a semi-circular, bell shaped apron that comes to a point at the top. We were eating Jimmies, we aren't assholes.

Step Two: Remove the Crab’s Claws and Legs
Snap off the two large claws at the body of the crab and set them aside for later. Remove the crab’s smaller legs next. If you pull carefully, some meat may be found at the end of each joint to give you just a teaser of what you will find inside.

Step Three: Open the Crab
With your thumb or knife, pull back the tip of the apron on the underside of the crab. Snap the apron off at the joint where it meets the top shell. This will separate the body of the crab from the shell. With both hands, pull the body and the shell apart. With the body of the crab exposed, remove the face area, scrape off the gills and the yellowish, mustard like substance in the center. The mustard can be eaten, but the gills, also known as Devil Fingers, should not. I personally don't eat the mustard and scrap it away with my knife.

Step Four: Picking the Crabmeat
Break the remaining part of the body in half and then break each half again, exposing the chambers containing solid white crabmeat. Use the knife or your fingers to pick the crabmeat away from the cavities of the crab’s body.

Step Five: Don’t Forget the Claws AND LEGS
Pick up one of the claws set aside back in Step Two. Pull the claw apart at the joint. If you separate the joint carefully, you may be able to pull the crabmeat out of the claw shell. If not, crack the claw shell with a mallet or knife and pull the meat out from the cavity. In these touch economic times and with Blue Crabs being somewhat depleted dont neglect eating the legs as well. Just crack those suckers in half above the top joint and suck the meat out. Waste not want not.

Step Six: Enjoy, Repeat
Picking crabs may seem like daunting work at first, but when you taste the rewards of your labor you will come to understand the popularity of Maryland Blue Crabs. Plus when you are done it will look like you did somethign awesome. p>Now some of our crew was a bit tired and hungover to go the all you can eat route. The some of our crew I am referring to is Beth(left) and Heather(right).

They both opted for the crab cake sandwich which came with a side of fries and coleslaw. I should add that the all you can eat crabs included fries, 'slaw', and even grilled corn on the cob! Quite a deal for $27.95!!

Oh boy, looks like someone was hungry (or had a hungry hungover husband who ate half her sandwich and most of her fries but doesn't like coleslaw)!!

Many of you would be happy to know the Jackals blog was talked a bout quite a bit. The takeover is in full effect. Apparently many of the attenders of the event have seen the blog, read the blog, like the blog, but may be somewhat afraid to post on the blog. Our reputation proceeds us as ball busters.

Well one thing led to another and I had to excuse myself to head to the lavatory. On my way there I noticed a lovely chalk board with the steps to eating a crab. I remembered my days at The Crab Shanty, in Ellicott City, and wondered why they didn't have such a helpful board. I recall with some terror two Asian American businessmen who had no idea how to eat MD Blue Crabs that were actually chewing them shells and all to get the meat out. I would have helped them out but was afraid I may insult them and cost my waiter a precious tip. If only they had gone to a more helpful establishment... but I digress.

Upon relieving myself in the lavatory (which was quite clean for a crab pickin bar) I found this most nostalgic picture on the wall of Rick Sutcliffe.

For those of you that don't remember Sutcliffe he broke into the majors in 1979. He won 17 games for the Los Angeles Dodgers and was the first of four consecutive Rookies of the Year for the Dodgers from 1979–1982 (Steve Howe, Fernando Valenzuela, and Steve Sax were the others).

Later in his career Sutcliffe spent three years with the hometown Baltimore Orioles. Signing with the Baltimore Orioles, Sutcliffe went 16–15 and 10–10 in 1992 and 1993, starting the first game at Oriole Park at Camden Yards. I have many fond memories of watching The Red Baron pitch at The Yard...

Upon returning to the table it was about time to settle up the tab and head home. I wished Evan

a happy birthday and made him promise to give James and Ryan shit for being gay clones and not posting enough at the bar crawl that evening.

At this point in time it was around 1:30 PM and the day was still young my friends. We re-entered the Civic and headed west bound on route 50 and . . . . . . .

JUST IN CASE YOU MOTHER FUCKERS DIDN'T KNOW I'M SCAR SHOULDERS AND I RUN THIS SHIT!! IF I WANNA POST A SOMEWHAT SERIOUS POST TO GET OUR READERSHIP UP ON AWESOME VODKA THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK I'M GOING TO DO! YOU WANT ME TO GET SARCASTRO GANGSTA AND FLOOD THE BLOG WITH 10,000 WORDS OF BORING ASS SHIT? YOU WANNA FUCKIN DARE ME TO GET NUTS? HOW MANY PEOPLE KISSED YOUR SHOES? WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU JUMPED OFF A 50 FOOT CLIFF? HOW MANY BATTLE SCARS DID GOD BLESS YOUR BACK WITH? CRADLE TO THE GRAVE SON. TWO WORDS SON: BALEEVE IT!

Gay Clone of the Day: Mike Golic

Look how excited he is to take in that poorly drawn throbbing dick. It's like a shitty ass meal from Nutrasystem, delicious!

I know this gay clone has already been touched upon by BallD but he really pissed me off this morning and if there is one thing a gay clone shouldn't do is piss off a tired Jackal. Mike GoLickMyBalls was ranting on and on about the Washington Nationals being the worst franchise in sports. Greeny (don't even get me started on this gay clone.) pointed out that they were an expansion team and Gay Juice was all "NO THEY AREN'T THEY WERE THE EXPOS!", which is even worse because MLB sold every last one of the decent players in their farm system which basically put them in a worse position 5 years ago than an actual expansion team because they had a ton of shitty players on the books. You know nothing ignorant fat blow hard. To boot this d-bag of the highest order is a fucking Cleavland Indians fan! Those losing fucks have been losing for 50 years and even had a movie made about how much they suck. Talk about the pot and the fucking kettle. To top it all off gay juice went to Notre Dame has sons that go to Notre Dame sells bitch food with Dan Marino and in general is a Mickey Mouse dick sucking bitch of epic proportions. And he played for the Eagles, fag. So Mike GoLickCliffLeesGrundle, notice is served, I have you in my fucking sights and if given the chance I will off you and deposit urine and feces in the gaping wound in your fat fucking chest. In the words of Ice Cube and Immortal Technique in that order: I spit hot lava and you're about to get burned by my pyroclastic flow. Die slow mother fucker!!

It should be noted that normally I avoid this gay clone and ESPN radio in general but my Sirius is on the fritz and I can only listen to CDs so many times. Man I gotta get my shit fixed.

Jackals Den 100th Post UNF The World Extravaganza!

What better place to represent the Jackals' Den 100th post than from the privacy of the porcelain throne. Five to ten years ago I would have had to go sit in front of a computer screen to hammer out a post as important as this one, but thanks to modern technology, here I am and...





wait... wait for it...




*PLOP*



Ooh. Splashed my ass a little. I hate it when that happens. Now I have twice the cleanup.


Where was I?


Anyway -- since all the posters on this blog will probably be far more verbose than I, I'll cut this short by saying, niggaz wanna pop shit, I'll pop clips. Bitch, I'll put my dick on ya lips.


Over and out,

AS

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Four score and seven days ago our jackals brought forth on this den, a new blog, conceived in Jackalism, and dedicated to the proposition that all jackals are created equal and the rest of us are all gay clones.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war among us, testing whether that blog, or any blog so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great 100th post of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that blog, as a final resting place for those who here gave their nuts over to the clones that that den might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this blog. The brave jackals, cradle to the grave, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the blogging, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored jackals we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these jackals shall not have blogged in vain -- that this blog, with all my jackals, shall have a new birth of jackalism -- and that blog of the jackals, by the jackals, for the jackals, shall not perish from the earth.

HHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!


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"QUACK WEAk ass shit" was the first thing clones thought this blog was going to produce ..."web trash", "non sense web noise" was expected...



Well guess what BITCHES? Jackals are busting caviar semen on your monitors! We got Flash, we got comic strips, we got movie/album reviews!



We shitting skittles, and skull fucking clones and GAF shit!


Maddox go hang yourself, we got this!


HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWLLLLLLLLLL

Tico (obviously)


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God, I hope you stumbled upon this page by accident. Hopefully, you're a religious freak who is convinced that every contributor is an agent of Beezilbub himself. On your way out, do me a solid and take the sandy rake out of your Virginia Baked Ham wallet. 100 mutha fuckin' jackalisms. That calls for celebration. Ol' Dirty Chinese Restaurant wouldn't believe it if you told him. A lot of things have happened in this first week. We had jackal-on-jackal fecal toss, we saw Mancation relived in comic shorts, we pointed out a couple gay clones among us, that would have otherwise gone undetected. Gay clones are like roaches in Northeast DC. The weather is nice, so you throw on some flip-flops and walk the dog. Little do you know, on a hot summer night, they're scurrying across the sidewalk and you look like Fred Astaire shuffling and dancing around them. It's like, dude, all I want to do is walk my dog(be a jackal) and I keep having to watch my step and walk around roaches(look out for gay clones). Jackals are evolving. The Jackals Den is perpetuating their influence, thanks to the internets and wide world of webs. As we commemorate this milestone, let's reflect upon the jackals that paved the way. For there will always be a yard to stomp. Skrimpture won't stop so long as the world is revolving. This aggression will not stand. This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass. Happy Hunny, Jackals Den. Here's to you sproutin' a couple little black curlies.


BMR







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Everyone sing along with me...

GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep, GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep IF YOU'RE TIRED BE QUIET AND GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep

[scarshoulders]

Maaan, I tell the web to go to sleep (go to sleep)

jackals blog is rype and hype, gotta make 'em six feet deep'

Cause we knock 'em unconscious with that non-sense

Read in between that fine print, think about jackal con-tent

Then about where your time spent surfin other websites; a ten HUUUT!

I send babyface and voicemail sheeyit, ninja WHAAAT?

If ya tired ya tired, if ya snooze ya lose

But'chu you won't wrap up ya bandages, or heal you wound

[boogers mcrib]

Ninja I got interns and brodie - I love hydro and Henne' !

All white and skinny, but I've fucked up so many

I got h street on lock - if we beefin' I blast

You sleepin' I laugh, ask tico, I'm off the ripo

I had this anon who talked too much; I had to off the bitch

cartoons, Mr. Crayola; ninjas know what I mean'

Cause I slang brown, white, yellow, purple and green

And all you faggot-muthafuckas gotta know the routine

GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep, GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep IF YOU'RE TIRED BE QUIET AND GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep

[Ball deep]

Bitch it's me again, kickin' in your fuckin' internet

I look for videos - I ain't lookin' for you blog

You bitch can't com-prehend; let me put one in ya bro

Let me put one in ya bro, so you ninjas can go to sleep

So, lay down bitch; gimme all that you dreamed for

Gimme fancy cars, gimme bling-bling-bling, boi

It don't mean a thing, boi, for me that ain't gon' swing, boi

Them god damn toys; do you know what I mean, boi?

[tico]

Now if you warrin' and runnin' from them jackal ninjas

This loco ese gon' give a reason to sleep, ninja

Or bustin' massive nut in yo face

My last trip to dc fucked yo myspace

I'm strippin' bitches and I'm a ballin fucker with a limp

They call me infer-stripper, sexy, red web's pimp

And quick to sick her on the ninja 'cause this what it's 'bout

We rob that trick and stick his dick off in his fuckin' mouth

We costa rican

GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep, GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep IF YOU'RE TIRED BE QUIET AND GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep

[head]

North, north, south, south, chapel hill, blacksburgh

Ninja we make wizard staffs; never drinking bottled beers

manor woods in this bitch; 8 foots, ya know we ball

Hooked up with my ninja scar, then we head to college park

Playas wild, throwin' bows, tellin' bloggers, "Fuck you clone!"

Kyle blogging bout some hoe, needs to put the ice cream down

Mayne this town is like my town, so we stayed and hung around

head be smart as fuck; catch me in the mensa club

[aledente schwanz]

Better use common sense checkin' me out for a philly jackal

And up, get yaself put in shackles

Without brian dawkins, behind me gettin' handcuffed by a slut

Look, I'm from jersey what?

Southjerse ninjas throw it up when it's time to get buck

Ninjas in the back of the club postin' up

Waitin' for a ninja that's raw to jackal it up

As in, ain't no askin'; it's no tolerance as long bitch check in

She wit' me, comments will only get'chu basically eternally resting

So abide by the code of the streets

If ya got a bitch better keep her on a leash

Cuz a schwanz gonna creep in ya home while you gone

Have you comin' back findin' unf on yo' sheets

GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep, GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep IF YOU'RE TIRED BE QUIET AND GO TO SLEEP, web to sleep

I'm a fucking genius!

Peep the sidebar!

Bloodbath

No, I'm not talking about what you get when you cross a jackal. Rather, I'm talking about what you get when your crazy kid trips forehead first into the corner of a door. As Damon or Schubert know from Manor Woods, heads bleed a lot. This is what my shirt looked like afterward - that blood came out of my 25 lb kid in about a minute or two, and that's what made it past the cloth we were holding to the wound and didn't end up on our (freshly cleaned) carpet. Random trips to the ER are the shit! He had a wide gash on his forehead but they fixed it up with Dermabond.

Two takeaways from this:

• Ball Deep, every time you encourage your Baby Jackaline to walk, you're setting yourself up for this.
• ScarShoulders, maybe you shouldn't make a baby after all. The last thing SSette needs is to be rousing her husband with smelling salts while she holds a bloody cloth to her kid's forehead.

By the way, he's alright; five minutes after the fall happened, it was like he'd forgotten all about it and wanted to run all over the house again (even though his head was still bleeding). He's a tough little Jackal...