Jesus Was Gettin' Some

Professor Karen L. King is one busted bitch. She might be married, but if she is, you best believe her husband doesn't show her the cable bill and probably deletes a fair amount of internet history. But Prof. King does know some shit about history. This jackal's question is why would the church want anyone to think Jesus was celibate? Why wouldn't they include the stories of a female disciple? Women are fucking awesome. Right?

NOOOOO! Not the Good News!

Oh yes. The good news. Quick, Fox News, drum up some catastrophe!

Clearly, these were the types of bitches Tom was talkin' bout.

Keeping It Jackal: Ron Franklin

Damn it all to hell! There's too many bowl games, leading to too much airtime for ESPN, leading to funny as fuck things like this happening and a jackal has to read them instead of hear them for his fucking self.

Karma Is A Bitch: Tony Parker

Haha! Dare you go, Tony Parker! How you like that you son of a bitch? I knew she was too good for your clone, French ass. The Spurs suck, you suck and now I can go back to completely sweating your (soon to be) ex-wife.

Eva, get your fly tookus over here and let BMR show you how jackals do. Uh, you missed a spot, sweetie.

KFTC: The Devil

I once had a nurse from Trinidad and Tobago. She was one of the hottest women I've ever seen. The image put forth by this story is slightly more disturbing.

KFTC: Crazy Bitches

Wow. There are quite a few things in this story that make me scratch my head. You're 30, why are you fucking around with 19 year-olds? If you are indeed packing your schwanz into a 19 year-old vajayjay, why are you tattooing it's name on your neck. Why does anyone, R.J. Bentley's waitress or otherwise, get their neck tatted?

KFTC: Jackals Disguised As Philanthropists

Yo, to you jackals exploiting disease to improve your chances of 'Babyface-esque' dick wetness, KFTC. I don't appreciate it in the slightest. Boogers is boycotting all things 'Movember'*.



* All things ' Movember' that put other jackals' "asscapades" disproportionately ahead of his own.

Bitches Be Stupid

My married jackals, how did you know you wouldn't go totally insane listening to your wife talk to her friends, on occasion, but nevertheless for the rest of your life? When I hear fake ass bitches bullshit each other until they're blue in the face, it makes me want to post on Straight Outta Plompton: The Blog. Seriously, this is what I hear from the cube next door, while the drinkable yogurt I had for breakfast continues to make me fart:

"Oh my god, [attractive girl], you'll never believe what happened last night," says unattractive girl.

"Oh my god, what?" asks attractive girl.

"Kill me," BMR mutters to himself.

"I totally had to walk to the Metro(4 blocks, if that) and it was sooo cold," explained unattractive girl.

"You know what, [unattractive girl] I got flowers(AGAIN! and you didn't, but I'll just imply that instead of saying it out loud)," attractive girl said.

"Wow, [attractive girl], you are so lucky(you fucking bitch! I don't give a fuck about your flowers)"

The Most Annoying People in Sports

One thing that I'm growing more and more irritated about is fans who complain incessantly about a player or coach on their team who is actually very good.

I'm probably particularly sensitized to this issue because I spent my first couple years in North Carolina hearing NC State fans gripe that Herb Sendek sucked and they needed to get a new coach. When you complain about a coach like Sendek, who had one losing season in 10 years and taken the school to five consecutive NCAA tournaments, you're essentially demanding someone who is going to put together a consistent championship contender - a Williams, Pitino, Krzyzewski, Calipari, Izzo, etc. There are not many of those guys, and it is insane to jettison a consistent top-25 coach because, as Maryland fans know, sometimes coaches make that jump from Sweet 16 to Final Four.

Fortunately, NCSU fans got what they wanted and, largely because of the incessant criticism, Sendek skipped town in 2006 for Arizona State. Now he's taken that once-moribound program to an NCAA berth. Meanwhile, his successor, Sidney Lowe was the talk of the town after getting State to the ACC Tournament championship in his first year, is facing being run out of town after this, his third year. Does anyone think they'll have better luck finding a good coach this time around, given their treatment of their last two coaches? Good luck with that.

A couple other examples:

• Terrelle Pryor. This kid, 6'6" and fast, was the top overall recruit in the country two years ago, compared at times to Vince Young and LeBron James. And Ohio State fans are talking about benching him halfway through his sophomore year. With virtually no one on the depth chart behind him. Yes, he was relatively effective last year as a true freshman, and has regressed somewhat this year. But he's also still a true sophomore, and the running game around him this year has not been at all productive. When you have a talent like this, you keep running him out there and build for next year and the year after. You do not complain if an athletic quarterback is ineffective passing in his second year (Vince Young's TD/Int ratio was 18:18 after his sophomore season). Grow up, fuckers - I know a lot of other teams in the country that would like to have him (though I'm pretty happy with my QB right now).
• A-Rod. This is the king of them all. No matter how obnoxious (or not) he might be off the field, he's one of the top 5 players in the game, and Yankees fans, based on a handful of at-bats, have been cursing him for years. The frustrating thing about this one is that now those same losers are cheering him like crazy as he leads his team to the World Series. And if he goes 2-12 and the Yankees lose, they'll all be cursing him again. I hate those fuckers. (David Wright is a similar situation.)

To summarize: Sports fans need to appreciate what they have when they've got something good. If you're a Redskins or Terps football or Orioles fan (more circa 2005 than now), complain away - you have every right. But if you're sick of being good but not great, think of these suffering Jackals and keep your frustrations to yourself.

Spelling is for bitches

I'm Just Saying