Jackal's Day In Court: Official As a Mawlfucker

Jackal proper, BMR, secured a jackal ass day in court on November 19. It's a Thursday, roll up, should be a good time. We'll have to see how it goes, but it would be in time for an impromptu hiatus to Nevada's "Crabs" infestation, known as 'Da Vegas.


















I am gonna drop one liners on this slippery El Salvadoran like Sly Stallone...

What's with testicular protection on our Hollywood heroes?

By the way, here's how it might go down...

GCOTD: ESPN's Lazy Ass

This is the worst hour of ESPN's dreadful 24-hour lineup. I do like PTI and Around the Horn, because they at least take stands on sports stories. Fuck an entire hour turned over to sports bloggers and fanatical followers willing to bicker and refresh, bicker and refresh. It's like ESPN said, "Why write a terrible sports talk show, when we can let the viewers do it, they only want to see reported what they think anyway." NFL Live, Mark Schlereth is taking the Steelers? Shocker. Trey Wingo thinks, hold on, no one gives a fuck what Trey Wingo thinks. Mike and Dike in the Morning, I'd rather fall asleep next to Lorena Bobbitt. SportsNation, you're getting put to sleep. We're gonna get the Jackals Den a camera crew, rent the studio space next door and then stomp your fuckin' ass like whoa. Go asleep!

JOTD = General Greivis Vasquez

The stories about my boy are legendary. The nickname is derived from him showing up the very first day on campus in Garys office and saying "Greivis Vasquez, reporting for duty sir" saluting him and then leaving. The start the game with 16 straight points and end up with a sick triple double to beat UNC and punch your ticket to the dance. The shimmy. Bustin up Duke for a near triple double in Cameron leading the team to a victory as a Freshman dogging the crowd the entire time. The no look passes. Leading the team in points rebounds AND assists. Giving your boy Shouldas dap for the Len Bias throwback at a tailgate. Saying he would take a bullet for Gary Williams and meaning in. What does this all add up to?

THE MOST ENTERTAINING PLAYER IN COLLEGE BASKETBALL!

And fret not Terps fans, we're winning 20+ games and dancing LATE into March this year to boot.

Like Pharoahe Monch so perfectly proclaims "Simon says GET THE FUCK UP!!!"

What the Fuck is Wrong with You People?

What the fuck is taking you jackals so long to make this known? Did you think a chain Gmail message would do the trick? It won't. I suppose your crafty email could try and not invite Tico, but the cat's out of the bag, boys. Wish I could, but I'm very poor. Don't go gettin' my BD2 concussed now, ya' hear?

The Most Annoying People in Sports

One thing that I'm growing more and more irritated about is fans who complain incessantly about a player or coach on their team who is actually very good.

I'm probably particularly sensitized to this issue because I spent my first couple years in North Carolina hearing NC State fans gripe that Herb Sendek sucked and they needed to get a new coach. When you complain about a coach like Sendek, who had one losing season in 10 years and taken the school to five consecutive NCAA tournaments, you're essentially demanding someone who is going to put together a consistent championship contender - a Williams, Pitino, Krzyzewski, Calipari, Izzo, etc. There are not many of those guys, and it is insane to jettison a consistent top-25 coach because, as Maryland fans know, sometimes coaches make that jump from Sweet 16 to Final Four.

Fortunately, NCSU fans got what they wanted and, largely because of the incessant criticism, Sendek skipped town in 2006 for Arizona State. Now he's taken that once-moribound program to an NCAA berth. Meanwhile, his successor, Sidney Lowe was the talk of the town after getting State to the ACC Tournament championship in his first year, is facing being run out of town after this, his third year. Does anyone think they'll have better luck finding a good coach this time around, given their treatment of their last two coaches? Good luck with that.

A couple other examples:

• Terrelle Pryor. This kid, 6'6" and fast, was the top overall recruit in the country two years ago, compared at times to Vince Young and LeBron James. And Ohio State fans are talking about benching him halfway through his sophomore year. With virtually no one on the depth chart behind him. Yes, he was relatively effective last year as a true freshman, and has regressed somewhat this year. But he's also still a true sophomore, and the running game around him this year has not been at all productive. When you have a talent like this, you keep running him out there and build for next year and the year after. You do not complain if an athletic quarterback is ineffective passing in his second year (Vince Young's TD/Int ratio was 18:18 after his sophomore season). Grow up, fuckers - I know a lot of other teams in the country that would like to have him (though I'm pretty happy with my QB right now).
• A-Rod. This is the king of them all. No matter how obnoxious (or not) he might be off the field, he's one of the top 5 players in the game, and Yankees fans, based on a handful of at-bats, have been cursing him for years. The frustrating thing about this one is that now those same losers are cheering him like crazy as he leads his team to the World Series. And if he goes 2-12 and the Yankees lose, they'll all be cursing him again. I hate those fuckers. (David Wright is a similar situation.)

To summarize: Sports fans need to appreciate what they have when they've got something good. If you're a Redskins or Terps football or Orioles fan (more circa 2005 than now), complain away - you have every right. But if you're sick of being good but not great, think of these suffering Jackals and keep your frustrations to yourself.

JOTD: Real-life Jackal, not some Bitch Juice Sippin' Bama with Stilts

Hey, Hokie enthusiast atop stilts and guilded with armor of cardboard, keep fucking practicing! Bitch.

JOTD: Armored Hokie Guy

The Mrs. and I were riding our bikes through the VT campus on Sunday when an 11-foot armored Hokie crossed the road in front of us. Seriously:

So it turns out that it's just a creative dude on stilts. Still, pretty awesome and some serious Hokie fandom. And, I have to say somewhat intimidating - somewhere a long time ago, I think our ancestors decided that standing near people twice their size was not good idea. (Of course, if he tried anything, I could have used the moves that Ball Deep's nerds taught me.)

JOTD Honorable Mention: Ball DEEP. I hear you're in for the 14th. Awesome. This is going to be a fucking good time.

'Matter Pussy Bitch??! a-bow-geeez-a!!

Friday Hottie: Famke Janssen

So a little jackal research led me to discover this fine peesh of aish was born in the Netherlands. So BMR could wed her and then she could move the two of us back to the 'Dam and we could eat Scooby snacks until her glorious money ran out. I didn't realize it, but this sexy thang first revved on the scene (that one was for you, BD2) in GoldenEye with Pierce Brosnan where she seduced men and then crushed their midsection with her thighs (not exactly work computer material). She'll probably always be Jean Grey/Phoenix from here on out, but I, for one, am really glad her parents bumped the old uglies.

GCOTD: Matt Drudge

Hey, want to find out how every waking moment is the eve of the apocalypse? Want to hear over-exaggerated renditions of events and happenings the world over? Or do you just want some content to spark hilariousness in the Den? This fucking douchebag provides all of the above. Unfortunately, some redneck in the Arkansas hills might read this and think Obama has turned the White House into a Bill Clinton-esque melee' with anal beads and cigar dildos, because ol' Drudgey gave it this tagline - "Comic brags about snorting coke feet away from Obama..." So now stand-up comedy routines are breaking news. What a douche. Please, someone besides NPR, base your reporting/headlines on facts.

By the way, can any jackal put eyes on the missing jackal pictured below?