Boogerdamus: Steelers "Marshmallow" Schedule Is Over

It would be nice to go for broke and say Baltimore prevails by two scores, but history dictates that will not be the case. Rather, Pittsburgh, perched miles above the rest of the league in "power rankings" will slide a little bit. I think the Ravens are better prepared, they started this season in one of the most hostile environments the NFL has to offer. They faced their former defensive coordinator in a brand new stadium, a game ESPN specifically requested. On a short week, it was probably hard as shit to go into Cincinnati and get anything going. I am not making excuses. Show me a team that has performed well in the same scenario. Cleveland should have been an easier game, but no one drew up a game plan for Peyton Hillis. Even still, a close divisional game(which you also happen to win) is another great form of preparation for this weekend in Shittsburgh. I am pissed I'll be on a flight on Sunday, because this game will be badass. Does any jackal want to DVR it fo' a ninja? I really think almost losing at home, to Atlanta, on opening day, squeaking out a win over the Titans with a special teams touchdown and beating Tampa Bay(on the road or anywhere else for that matter) does not merit the accolades NFL pundits are showering over Western PA. Am I a homer, or do any of you jackals gobble up what the Boog Man be servin'? As of tomorrow, I'm on PST, bitch. Don't sleep. Ravens 16, Steelers 9

KFTC: Global Warming Skeptics

I don't think any global warming skeptics clone it up in the Den, but shouldn't NASA be credible enough as a source?

GCOTD: Shaun Smith

Can any jackal step forward and let me know how this is even possible in the NFL? Cheap shots are straight clone to begin with, but cheap shots involving male reproductive organs are tops on the list of gay clone behavior. This guy needs a trip to Cafe Paree to get the old Voicemail treatment. Or maybe Club Supersexxxe...

WTF?: Polygamy

Christine, who's about to give birth to her sixth child, never had any interest at all in being an only wife, or even a second wife. The third wife is emotionally the easiest, she says, adding that during her teen years, "I wanted the sister wives more than the husband."

I hate reality TV so much. This is like trying to look away from a twenty five car pile up. These people are crazy as fuck. What the fuck?

Try This At Home

Shote Sleeves, is that you?

Friday Hottie: Marisa Miller

Check Yo' Self: NFL

On April 26, 21-year-old Thomas killed himself — suddenly, impulsively, his family said. According to reports, Thomas didn't leave a note. He was found with his cell phone still in his pocket. His parents agreed to let researchers at Boston University study Thomas' brain.

"His brain showed what I would call early onset chronic traumatic encephalopathy," Dr. Robert Cantu, one of the directors at the BU research center, said afterward.

And there was this. And again this week. We judge the hell out of Ben Roethlisberger for his decision making, but he's had numerous documented concussions himself.

I was chillin' at the OJD watching opening weekend NFL and I saw this and a few other instances that made me sick to my stomach and wondering how I would feel if these guys were Ravens. Dawan Landry had a spinal concussion or something two seasons ago and I did tear up and almost threw up.

Shit ain't no joke. I want to go to and win a Super Bowl, but we need to check them boys before they get wrecked.

18-game season, GO THE FUCK ASLEEP!

Den Gon' Soff

"After a great big 'Thank You' in squirrel language."

JsOTD: SS & Myself

Self nomination time. No, we didn't take out a 5-year CD, but I dare say that we were at our ball-busting best yesterday.* It was like old times:

...It's 1998 and Head is at his house on a random weekday night. The phone rings...

[Shote Sleeves] Hey Head, can you teach me physics tonight?
[Head] Sure...

[ScarShoulders] Hey Head, what are you up to tonight?
[Head] I dunno...I think Shote Sleeves is coming over and wants me to teach him physics or something. You wanna come over?
[ScarShoulders] Sweet, sure!

...ScarShoulders is already there when ShoteSleeves arrives at Head's house...

[Shote Sleeves] Wait...what is ScarShoulders doing here? I thought you were going to teach me physics?

...30 minutes of hilarity ensues...

[Shote Sleeves] Fuck you guys, I hate you. I'm going home!

[Head/ScarShoulders] Wow, that was awesome. Want to watch some football or something?

Good Times.

*BMR, you still my Jackal - you be holding this place up almost all by your lonesome...

For all my real live 1997 OJs. Love ya'll ninjas.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=youtube_gdata_player&v=W69SSLfRJho

JOTD: Walter Breuning, 114 year-old Jackal

Walter Breuning was a century old when he walked into a downtown Great Falls bank in the mid-1990s to take advantage of a promotion.

Five-year certificates of deposit were being offered at a special rate, and Breuning wanted to take advantage of the deal, according to former Great Falls resident Gavin Seeberger, now of Portland, Ore. His father is former Great Falls banker John Seeberger, a onetime Great Falls school board chairman.

The elder Seeberger and another bank representative politely told Breuning he might want to consider a two-year certificate of deposit instead.

"Mr. Breuning firmly declined and insisted on a five-year CD, saying that he would be there to collect it in person at maturity," Gavin Seeberger said.

Working Monday Is For Sucks

If Monday's got you down, take a moment to laugh your ass off. As outrageous as this scene is, the idea behind it is genius. Here's hoping I'm a dick.

Gut Punch: BMR

Yeah, I feel sheepish. But I also feel like Mark Sanchez cut up New England after not doing shit against Dmore. I'm also feeling like that short week in one of the toughest stretches in our schedule pretty much behind us. I thought McNabb needed some more time(having missed a lot of preseason), but apparently Baby Joey is the one that needs to work on communication with his receivers. I will chalk this up as a tough loss, but we have yet to play a game at home. Pittsburgh needed a special teams touchdown and 7 turnovers to pull out their 2nd win. Every asshole questioning our secondary can shut the fuck up now that Carson Palmer was kept out of the endzone. T-Large is still cloning it up. He texted me for no reason yesterday. No transcript available. Essentially, I came out on top when Revis got burned like a school child by Randy Moss. At that point I told T-Large that he, Rex Ryan and Revis all three need to stop talking. Sanchez proceeded to burn the Pats, but that validates my team. T-Large, do you follow me?

JOTD: CJ Brown

So I'm sitting here watching the Ralph Friedgen show and I stumble upon a Jackal of the Day in the most unlikely of places, a redshirt freshman who has played 4 college plays.

Rewind to last week's thrashing of Morgan State.

Play#1 QB run/pass option and he decides to run. Scrambles 12 yards around the left side of the line lowers his shoulder and runs over a DB.

Play #2 Uneventful handoff.

Play #3 Shotgun bad snap and the RB jumps on it and CJ doesn't. Kind of looks like he dogged it not diving on the ball.

Play #4 As told by the running back standing next to him in the shotgun. Calls out the cadence, says to his boy the RB "this might be interesting, I'm pretty sure I broke my collarbone". Dudes like "what?!?!" "hut hut!" take the snap and throws a perfect 12 yard out for a first down but the WR drops it.

So yeah. Dude broke his fucking collarbone on the first play and not only stayed in the game but stayed in the game made jokes about it and threw a perfect pass. If that ain't Jackal as fuck I don't know what is.

Friday Hottie: Collien Fernandes

 Goddamnit, those Black Eyed Peas got me so pissed, I had to go straight into the Friday Hottie. I'm throwing in some extra pics. Srta. Fernandes is quite nice.

Rot in Hell: Black Eyed Peas

For the love of all that is sacred, someone please stop this from happening. Only Texas would be dumb enough to pull this bullshit. Tom Petty, Prince, Paul McCartney, Black Eyed Peas? We're totally fucked as a nation. Y'all can tune into Puppy Bowl VII instead. That's pretty jackal. Puppy Bowl? Huh? Yeah.

Jackal Invention: Phototonic Chip

I couldn't resist the photographic implications on this post. This is some jackal ass shit. You know BMR be hatin' on that electricity, hypocritical as it may be while blogging, but this will apparently put the Den even easier to jackal it up in.

JOTD: Ray Lewis III

I feel bad for the school they dropped this mess on, but that's a hell of a day. Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, I suppose. For those of you too lazy for hyperlinks,


"He registered 206 yards and two TDs on punt returns, 101 on kickoff returns, 104 rushing, 27 receiving and 66 on passing, where he completed 6 of 6 attempts. The son of Baltimore Ravens LB Ray Lewis also had six tackles and a pass deflection."

Defend This: Toy Store Jerkoff (literally)

Alright, Head. You and your legal savvy going to come to this guy's defense? Just kidding, they're not comparable, but they are both going to lose their job.

Go Fuck Yourself: Derek Fenton

This is far beyond Gay Clone of the Day. This guy is a fuckin' idiot, had a shitty job and now he's really fucked. Hey, Derek, I like my McDonald's 1/4 pounder without pickles alright? Just kidding, I don't eat at McDonald's. That midsection leads me to believe you do. Go Fuck Yourself!

GCOTD: T-Large

***CHAT TRANSCRIPT***

me: go ahead and change that away message (T-Large's Away Message: J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets!)

T Large: ugly game

me: whatever

it was beautiful

T Large: i think they will meet in the playoffs though

me: you got some work to do

T Large: i dont see too many teams beating either of them

10:39 AM me: sanchez is a douche

T Large: i also dont see how ravens fans think they were that much better than the jets

they both looked like shit

me: obviously you don't watch much football

T Large: ok

me: it's not ravens fans doing all the talking

T Large: so the ravens looked good?

10:40 AM me: it's sports writers

yeah

T Large: right

me: turnovers 3-1 Jets

and you lost

Ravens are nasty

10:41 AM T Large: didnt you get beat up by one of your own fans?

me: that's hilarious 

T Large: haha

10:42 AM me: go back and watch the game

look at our field position

T Large: i watched the game

me: and look at yours

then tell me why you lost

T Large: i know the jets sucked

me: or how the ravens looked "bad"

T Large: they sucked ass too

im not doing this anymore

me: aren't you from Jersey?

T Large: whatever

me: why don't you move back?

T Large: the ravens were spectacular

they were flawless

grade a

all the way

10:43 AM they need not improve

they are the best ever!

me: what's it like getting fired up for sports when you have no idea what you're watching

?

T Large: ha

me: talking a bunch of crap when you have no idea what you're talking about?

10:44 AM T Large: ok

you are a football mastermind

good for you

10:45 AM me: at least you have the yankees

in baseball you CAN go buy championships

not in the NFL though

T Large: and i am a good winner

i dont talks hit nonstop after my teams beat people

10:46 AM me: no you talk shit when you lose

that's worse

T Large: it was a good game

i said they would meet in the playoffs

because that means they are good

they both need to improve a lot though

10:47 AM they both played pretty poorly on offense

i dont see whay you are taking what i said way out of context

unless you just like fucking with me while im extremelyh hung over

Working Monday Is For Sucks When Your Boys Play On Monday Night Football

Goddamnit. I can't get anything done today. I just want to get awesome and listen to clone-ass ESPN reporters hype tonight's game some more. I really should have called out sick today.

KFTC: Sheyla Hershey

American dreams so rarely get to come true. All Sheyla Hershey ever wanted was some 'M Cup'-sized breasts.

Redskins 13, Cowboys 7

I don't watch much NFL these days, but I watched most of this one and damn if it wasn't crazy as shit - in particular, those two half-ending plays were absolutely ridiculous:

• Dallas runs an offensive play with four seconds left in the first half and everyone assumes it's going to be a Hail Mary. But instead, it winds up being a half-assed lateral and Tashard Choice fumbles as he tries to break a meaningless tackle, which is then returned for Washington's only TD of the game (and, eventually, the game-deciding points) with 00:00 on the clock.
• Dallas has the ball at the Washington 12 with 00:03 left in the game, down 13-7. Romo escapes from the pocket and flips the ball to a wide-open Roy Williams for what appeared to be the game-winning touchdown. But the officials had called a penalty (for a very obvious hold as it turned out) and, rather than losing, the Redskins won as the game ended on the offensive penalty.

Crazy. Congrats BD1 and BD2...

P.S. That call against Calvin Johnson's should-have-been game-winning catch today was atrocious...

Gut-punch

Well, for his first live football game, my kid got to witness college football history: The second time that a ranked team has ever lost to a Division I-AA (FCS) team, after Michigan's stunner to Appalachian State a few years ago. So in other words, he got to watch the worst performance in Virginia Tech football history.

Obviously, this was a terrible, terrible performance. Still, I think Matt Hinton is very, very wrong when he says that VT is "a truly awful team right now." First of all, there were some obvious mitigating factors:

• They had had less than five days since their previous game, by far the shortest turnaround I've ever heard of in college or pro football. The game on Monday ended at midnight or so, so they didn't get back to Blacksburg until probably at least Tuesday afternoon. Today's game was at 1:30. A coach doesn't accept that kind of schedule unless they are damn sure they can beat the second opponent with hardly any preparation. Apparently Beamer wasn't sure enough.
  
• Moreover, they were coming off a devastating loss, a game against a big-time opponent that they had led for probably 75% of the second half, then lost with a minute left. It's hard to imagine a scenario - quick turnaround, disappointing loss, crappy opponent - where a team could be more down for a game.
  
• It was pouring pretty much throughout the game today. It started right at kick-off and only came down harder as the game went on.
• This game was a borderline neutral-site game. Tech students and alums were fairly liberal in giving tickets to JMU fans, presumably because we beat them 90-0 in the last two games combined and it didn't figure to be much of a game. Moreover, because we took an early lead and our defense was dominating (outside of a fluky 77-yard TD, they had something like 17 yards in the first half) and because of the pouring rain, a surprising number of VT fans left early. (I'll admit to being guilty on this count, though only because I was responsible for a soaking wet two-year-old. Being a parent is a bitch sometimes.) It wasn't scary at all in the first half, so I think everyone just assumed that VT would coast to something like a 27-7 victory.
  
• This was pretty clearly a fluky loss. Case in point: VT punted zero times today. But an interception, two fumbles, a turnover on downs, and three field goals meant that JMU didn't have to do much on its possessions to win.

Moreover, five days ago VT stood toe-to-toe with one of the best teams in the country and played them even. (Unless you want to argue that Boise State isn't one of the best teams in the country, but they're returning 20 of 22 starters from last year's 14-0 squad, so I don't really see it.) So to say Tech is an awful team right now is the laziest kind of "what have you done for me lately" analysis.

So, a prediction: Tech has some problems on the defensive line, and maybe on the offensive line, too. We might not make it to 10 wins for the whateverth straight year, but we're going to win 8-9 games, make a bowl, and have a shot at the Coastal Division of the ACC like we always do. And you'll never hear me say "X team played really shitty today. Never mind all other evidence, man do they ever suck."

Anyway, did I mention that VT played embarrassingly shitty today?

Better late than never...

1 year ago your boy started a new thread at the Den "know your Terps". It didn't really get off to a good start as the Terps got lit up and Tate didn't really play that much or very well at all but fast forwards 365 days and what do we have? Kenny Tate named defensive player of the week for college football and added to the watch list for national defensive player of the year. Your boy Scar Shoulderamus might be early to the party on occasion, but he's always there. Baleeve it.

Friday Hottie: Muslim Bitches

 Yo, Al Qaeda, today the Den is saluting all those bitches you wrap up in burkas. BMR is gonna get his "ess eff" on with more than one of them. Maybe a little UNF on top of that burka once I get ol' girl out of it.

 I know y'all got some lynxes, but I also know you've been pounding them into submission for the better part of the last 3,000 years. That shit's about to change. BMR is gon' liberate them shits.

Because he knows, underneath, some might look like this...

To you devout Muslims, I'm sorry, but I cannot respect the fact that you believe your god wants you to hide your whole face and body. Call it cultural differences. I'll call it some dumb shit, but KFTC.

For my BMore reppin Jackals

Where's Head been? He's been turning your boy SS onto a sick hot CD that's where he's been. When I met him on Saturday and dropped Brother Ali and We (Symbol of a gun) Clones on him he dropped The Wire soundtrack on me. Listened to it on the way home from a long happy hour last night and it was bumpin. Bunch of rock and blues and maybe even some bluegrass for all the tree smokin Jackals out there. This morning I got to the hip hop section and it's BMore reppin stop lock and poppin LSD music. Your boy SS is diggin it. Thank you Head. Well done sir.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

ESPN sucks so bad.

Check out the stache on Boomer

PS Who Dat? is the gayest shit I have ever heard.

Eat a whole bag of dicks NFL coverage in general.

Go Redskins.

No Shit: Facebook is for D-bags

Welcome to a new Jackals' Den series called, 'No Shit', where we highlight some obvious shit, everyone already knows and only clones deny.

SS Don't Know Shit About Totalitarian Regimes

SS, what the fuck is this?

JOTD: Ed Reed

This is a bad man. Get back soon, Jackal.

In other news, this is fuckin' hilarious:

Jackal Memories of my childhood: Casey Jones

T.U.R.T.L.E. POWER

Get to work McRib!

Facebook update from 15 minutes ago: Mrs SS - ok, i know a lot of insensitive people, i am even friends with a few...but there is a guy outside our building with a sign that says "James Lee was Right" -- seriously?!?

I think McRib Booginator needs to walk down the street with a baseball bat and handle his BIZNESS! Get that promotion son. Gun that clone!

JOTD: Prof. Michael Strano

This sounds like a pretty good way to find an American industry. BMR has been calling for this for a long fuckin' time. KFTC, Strano. You beautiful bastard.

Have You Seen?

It's midterm election season and dude ain't said peep about it. Virginia Tech played a high profile football game in prime tizzy. Nothin'. Where you at, Head?

Welcome Back: NFL

I feel like a bear waking from a deep hibernation. I am sad to see the lazy summer in the rear view, but I'm starting to think summer is for clones. I know there's nothing jackal about going to the beach. Lemonade tastes good, but you have to spike it to make it jackal. Women scantily clad is probably the best part of summer, but BMR will continue to bring you the Friday Hottie, so you got that going for you.

As far as what BMR has going for himself, well it's a Monday Night opener and it's a doozy. His Ravens are heading into hostile ass territory. Rex Ryan, undisputed jackal, will be fired up for this game and he has a way of firing up his players. Two of which don't need to be any more excited for revenge. Keep in mind Adalius Thomas, an undrafted free agent whom the Ravens, Ryan himself, molded into a fierce defender, left the Ravens to go get paid and pretty much fell off the face of the NFL earth. Bart Scott, basically the same exact situation three years later. Two guys that want to be Ravens more than they care to admit. Their secondary may be able to shut down the "big play", but there will be much more to keep an eye on in this one. 

  

Let a jackal state for the record, growing up in Maryland developed a healthy respect for this game.  

JOTD: Adrian Moten

This is the most ridiculous football play I have ever seen. Well done Mr Moten, well done indeed. (slow clap)

Friday Hottie: Emily Scott

Deja Vu: America's Crack-Style Addiction To Oil

Shoot me in the fucking face. This reminds me of Jared Leto spiking his rotting arm (1:40 if you're so inclined) in 'Requiem for a Dream.'

J(s)OTD: Josh Wilson/John Cusack

"I couldn't be happier." Neither could we, Josh.

That's what's up. Some depth at corner and from an Upper Marlboro, MD native, College Park graduate. Jealous, Shoulders? I'll bet you are. I'll bet the Ravens fan inside of you is boiling right now. Pissed at how you grew up in Howard County, deprived of hometown football. It's here, my friend. Eli Manning is a pussy. You know this to be true.

In other news, it appears John Cusack is the motherfuckin' man. What you absolutely will love is the tone of that Fox article and how seriously it weighs the threats of mentally unstable people mindlessly killing off FoxNews and GOP candidates like zombies in a trance.