Ball DEEP Stream of Conscienceness Post: Uhh...Oveckin and Tubby look alot alike

Hockey is the only sport the MD/VA area has any postseason hopes in so I thought now was an appropriate time to mention how much Tubby time and Alex Ovechkin look alike.... I'm just sayin'...
Not sure what happened to Tubby Time. Haven't seen the guy since he was in my wedding. (I admit 10 groomsmen was excessive.) Dude fell off the face of the earth and shit. So if you're out there Tubby, blow a jackal up.
Subsequently, Ovechkin also looks exactly like Richard Kiel, the dude from the old Bond movie:

and more notably Happy Gilmore:


I watched some of the hockey game last night, and I have to admit, last night's game was pretty boring because they were so good. That is a good problem to have in my estimation. I am hanging in there with the hockey thing to see where this thing goes. Because without a home team to root for, it is going to be a long winter in the Northeast.

By the way did you see the Jay-Z game opening entertainment last night? What a fucking disaster. Rap straight up sucks balls these days.

Man I really hate New York and New Yorkers...

JOTD: Cliff Lee

“Not nervous at all,” he said, before pausing and adding: “It’s been a long time since I’ve been nervous playing this game. It’s what I’ve been doing my whole life. I put all the work in. You do everything you need to do to prepare, and I try not to leave anything to chance. So what’s the point in being nervous? I’ve already done the work. It’s game time. Time to go out there and have fun and execute and let your skills take over.”

GO TO SLEEP!

Jackal's Day In Court: Official As a Mawlfucker

Jackal proper, BMR, secured a jackal ass day in court on November 19. It's a Thursday, roll up, should be a good time. We'll have to see how it goes, but it would be in time for an impromptu hiatus to Nevada's "Crabs" infestation, known as 'Da Vegas.


















I am gonna drop one liners on this slippery El Salvadoran like Sly Stallone...

What's with testicular protection on our Hollywood heroes?

By the way, here's how it might go down...

GCOTD: ESPN's Lazy Ass

This is the worst hour of ESPN's dreadful 24-hour lineup. I do like PTI and Around the Horn, because they at least take stands on sports stories. Fuck an entire hour turned over to sports bloggers and fanatical followers willing to bicker and refresh, bicker and refresh. It's like ESPN said, "Why write a terrible sports talk show, when we can let the viewers do it, they only want to see reported what they think anyway." NFL Live, Mark Schlereth is taking the Steelers? Shocker. Trey Wingo thinks, hold on, no one gives a fuck what Trey Wingo thinks. Mike and Dike in the Morning, I'd rather fall asleep next to Lorena Bobbitt. SportsNation, you're getting put to sleep. We're gonna get the Jackals Den a camera crew, rent the studio space next door and then stomp your fuckin' ass like whoa. Go asleep!

JOTD = General Greivis Vasquez

The stories about my boy are legendary. The nickname is derived from him showing up the very first day on campus in Garys office and saying "Greivis Vasquez, reporting for duty sir" saluting him and then leaving. The start the game with 16 straight points and end up with a sick triple double to beat UNC and punch your ticket to the dance. The shimmy. Bustin up Duke for a near triple double in Cameron leading the team to a victory as a Freshman dogging the crowd the entire time. The no look passes. Leading the team in points rebounds AND assists. Giving your boy Shouldas dap for the Len Bias throwback at a tailgate. Saying he would take a bullet for Gary Williams and meaning in. What does this all add up to?

THE MOST ENTERTAINING PLAYER IN COLLEGE BASKETBALL!

And fret not Terps fans, we're winning 20+ games and dancing LATE into March this year to boot.

Like Pharoahe Monch so perfectly proclaims "Simon says GET THE FUCK UP!!!"

What the Fuck is Wrong with You People?

What the fuck is taking you jackals so long to make this known? Did you think a chain Gmail message would do the trick? It won't. I suppose your crafty email could try and not invite Tico, but the cat's out of the bag, boys. Wish I could, but I'm very poor. Don't go gettin' my BD2 concussed now, ya' hear?

The Most Annoying People in Sports

One thing that I'm growing more and more irritated about is fans who complain incessantly about a player or coach on their team who is actually very good.

I'm probably particularly sensitized to this issue because I spent my first couple years in North Carolina hearing NC State fans gripe that Herb Sendek sucked and they needed to get a new coach. When you complain about a coach like Sendek, who had one losing season in 10 years and taken the school to five consecutive NCAA tournaments, you're essentially demanding someone who is going to put together a consistent championship contender - a Williams, Pitino, Krzyzewski, Calipari, Izzo, etc. There are not many of those guys, and it is insane to jettison a consistent top-25 coach because, as Maryland fans know, sometimes coaches make that jump from Sweet 16 to Final Four.

Fortunately, NCSU fans got what they wanted and, largely because of the incessant criticism, Sendek skipped town in 2006 for Arizona State. Now he's taken that once-moribound program to an NCAA berth. Meanwhile, his successor, Sidney Lowe was the talk of the town after getting State to the ACC Tournament championship in his first year, is facing being run out of town after this, his third year. Does anyone think they'll have better luck finding a good coach this time around, given their treatment of their last two coaches? Good luck with that.

A couple other examples:

• Terrelle Pryor. This kid, 6'6" and fast, was the top overall recruit in the country two years ago, compared at times to Vince Young and LeBron James. And Ohio State fans are talking about benching him halfway through his sophomore year. With virtually no one on the depth chart behind him. Yes, he was relatively effective last year as a true freshman, and has regressed somewhat this year. But he's also still a true sophomore, and the running game around him this year has not been at all productive. When you have a talent like this, you keep running him out there and build for next year and the year after. You do not complain if an athletic quarterback is ineffective passing in his second year (Vince Young's TD/Int ratio was 18:18 after his sophomore season). Grow up, fuckers - I know a lot of other teams in the country that would like to have him (though I'm pretty happy with my QB right now).
• A-Rod. This is the king of them all. No matter how obnoxious (or not) he might be off the field, he's one of the top 5 players in the game, and Yankees fans, based on a handful of at-bats, have been cursing him for years. The frustrating thing about this one is that now those same losers are cheering him like crazy as he leads his team to the World Series. And if he goes 2-12 and the Yankees lose, they'll all be cursing him again. I hate those fuckers. (David Wright is a similar situation.)

To summarize: Sports fans need to appreciate what they have when they've got something good. If you're a Redskins or Terps football or Orioles fan (more circa 2005 than now), complain away - you have every right. But if you're sick of being good but not great, think of these suffering Jackals and keep your frustrations to yourself.

JOTD: Real-life Jackal, not some Bitch Juice Sippin' Bama with Stilts

Hey, Hokie enthusiast atop stilts and guilded with armor of cardboard, keep fucking practicing! Bitch.

JOTD: Armored Hokie Guy

The Mrs. and I were riding our bikes through the VT campus on Sunday when an 11-foot armored Hokie crossed the road in front of us. Seriously:

So it turns out that it's just a creative dude on stilts. Still, pretty awesome and some serious Hokie fandom. And, I have to say somewhat intimidating - somewhere a long time ago, I think our ancestors decided that standing near people twice their size was not good idea. (Of course, if he tried anything, I could have used the moves that Ball Deep's nerds taught me.)

JOTD Honorable Mention: Ball DEEP. I hear you're in for the 14th. Awesome. This is going to be a fucking good time.

'Matter Pussy Bitch??! a-bow-geeez-a!!

Friday Hottie: Famke Janssen

So a little jackal research led me to discover this fine peesh of aish was born in the Netherlands. So BMR could wed her and then she could move the two of us back to the 'Dam and we could eat Scooby snacks until her glorious money ran out. I didn't realize it, but this sexy thang first revved on the scene (that one was for you, BD2) in GoldenEye with Pierce Brosnan where she seduced men and then crushed their midsection with her thighs (not exactly work computer material). She'll probably always be Jean Grey/Phoenix from here on out, but I, for one, am really glad her parents bumped the old uglies.

GCOTD: Matt Drudge

Hey, want to find out how every waking moment is the eve of the apocalypse? Want to hear over-exaggerated renditions of events and happenings the world over? Or do you just want some content to spark hilariousness in the Den? This fucking douchebag provides all of the above. Unfortunately, some redneck in the Arkansas hills might read this and think Obama has turned the White House into a Bill Clinton-esque melee' with anal beads and cigar dildos, because ol' Drudgey gave it this tagline - "Comic brags about snorting coke feet away from Obama..." So now stand-up comedy routines are breaking news. What a douche. Please, someone besides NPR, base your reporting/headlines on facts.

By the way, can any jackal put eyes on the missing jackal pictured below?

Jackals Don't Wear No Necklace

Why do baseball players wear friendship bracelet necklaces?

I don't want to get in the habit of quiting websites, but I'm calling bullshit.

OUR EXCLUSIVE TECHNOLOGY

Phiten Technology is based around the different applications of our high-intensity Phild Process. Titanium has been found by our scientists to be particularly responsive to the Phild Process; meaning, it is consistently effective in emitting, or "passing on" the stabilizing effect of the Phild Process.

Do baseball players really need to channel that "next level"? That "6th gear". Bammas be fakin'.

Some more...

This Phild effect is the basis for the Energy Transport System. The Phild Processed material regulates the body's energy flow by stablizing ions. Injury, fatigue, and low oxygen levels hurt the efficiency of your cells, disrupting the normal flow of energy in your system. This increases the tension and fatigue in your body as it tries to compensate for the lost energy. Phiten products stabilize the energy, permitting a greater flow of energy with less waste. Fatigue sets in later and recovery time is shortened.

I guess that explains why Joba Chamberann's fat ass needs to wear a friendship necklace.

The ONLY good thing about UNC

My buddy is at the UNC game and he just sent me this from his phone.  I should have cropped out the douche next to her, but I was too lazy.  Is that a tighty whitey being used as a shirt?  

PS  -  The Yankees just took the lead....kill me now.

Seriously....fuck the Yankees

Man I hope the Angels get out of this game.  The thought of having to hear about the Yankees for one more day on top of hearing about the fucking Giants every freaking ten minutes makes a jackal want to break fools dome pieces.  Go fuck yourself NY.  I know Voicemail was touching on this the other night but what are these guys in a douchebag contest or something.  AJ Burnett = Guy that blows dudes


Oh great as I am writing this the Yankees just tied it up...

PRODUCT NO JACKAL NEEDS

FLAIR HAIR



From the website:

Flair Hair is the original spiky hair hat phenomenon that will bring smiles to the whole room and give you a fresh new style.
Folks aren't sure what to call our visors - we've heard hairy visors, crazy hair, wig visors, funky hair hats, fuzzy hats, or hat with hair. Whatever you call the Flair Hair visors, you won't be disappointed in the fun they create!

If you don't think this shit isn't gay you have another thing coming.

Jackal come lately: Five Guys

Ol' Filthy and SS have been reppin' Five Guys for the longest, but that shizzle just started to jump off in Dirty Jersey recently.  I was a 5G virgin until tonight so although I have heard stories, I had yet to see, smell and devour for myself.  

After working a 12 hour shift I knew a Turkey and swiss wasn't going to get the job done, so I popped off at Gary's Wine and Spirits (you have to see this place, any beer you can imagine and aisles and aisles of wine...if you are into that sort of thing.) I picked up my weekly sleeve of silver bullets and a six pack of random micro brew.  Today happened to be Cricket Hill American Lager brewed down the street from me... not bad i might add.  

While doing the standard debate of Pizza or Chinee Foo Spesha derivery that comes with a long work day, I happened across a beacon of red light that called to me like a jackal's howl deep in the foothills of the Broconos.  It read "Five Guys".  What an amazing place.  Think Chipotle meets Jerry's.  I ordered up a "regular" cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato, ketchup, mustard, onions and pickles.  The cashier called my name and I had to ask her to be sure she gave me the right order.  The grease covered bag weighed at least 2-3 lbs.  Not one but 2 massive patties carefully crafted on a giant grill of grease by a culinary master in a floppy red hat.  Heaping toppings and cheese crammed atop and placed perfectly in a grease filled aluminum sleeve of goodness.  A small styrofoam 80z cup was placed in a paper bag along with 25 tons of fried potato...peanut oil.  baalleeevvee it.

Let me tell you Jackals.  After the first bite, I can tell you this is probably the best burger I have ever eaten.  I then completed the feast by devouring more french fries and washed them down with a few bottles of Cricket Hill.

A feast fit for a jackal, indeed.

Balloon Boy go suck a cock

Hey nerd (and you know who you are) do you really think we live in caves with no TV, online access, WHO THE FUCK doesn't know about fucking ballon boy?

More importantly, POP QUIZ: what happens when below disappears?




FUCK IF I REMEMBER, but I WON BITCH!

We are going for round #2! Mr. Daniels you are the fucking shit!

Balloons and Weed

Going back to something we talked about last week:

Crazy shit that it turned out to be fake. That family is fucked up...

In other news, did anyone notice the Obama administration's announcement that they'll reverse Bush's approach and basically leave states alone when it comes to medical marijuana? From the memo:

As a general matter, pursuit of these priorities should not focus federal resources in your States on individuals whose actions are in clear and unambiguous compliance with existing state laws providing for the medical use of marijuana. For example, prosecution of individuals with cancer or other serious illnesses who use marijuana as part of a recommended treatment regimen consistent with applicable state law, or those caregivers in clear and unambiguous compliance with existing state law who provide such individuals with marijuana, is unlikely to be an efficient use of limited federal resources.

One of those states is Maryland. I think BMR just found a tumor...
In other news, can we get rid of this margin on the left hand side of the Den? I got a gap of 1 5/8" (yes, I measured) between the left edge of my screen and the left edge of the banner and posts. It means smaller pics, missing stats, etc.

For fucks sake...

Look at this.

Did you look at it? You need to look at it.

Now have you looked at it?

Cammo fucking football uniforms?? Jesus Titty Fucking Christ. It's like they are daring us to get extra drunk and obnoxious.

Do you think reminding Tico of war is going to make him less insane? Or needlessly violent? Me either.

Anubis Maximus, this is going to be awesome...

Jackal Self Help Series: Do not Sleep.

If you saw these dudes (especially the guy with the mustache) in the street you would never think twice about calling them GAF or at least hollering expletives at them.  GAF they may be but they could still kick some serious ass.  Next time you are jackalin' it up at the bar and fools get loud.  Drop their ass with a carbonated beverage attack or rapid nut punch.

Even if you don't watch my videos...do yourself a favor watch at least the first 30 seconds.  But if you make it to 1:15  you will not be disappointed.  "Bleeah,  HHHUggghh!"  sooo fucking funny.  

Guilty as Charged

Yup, pretty much:





I'd say more, but well, I got an ass to wipe...

UPDATE: BMR has requested an explanation, which is as follows: The rise in laptops has allowed people to bring their computers with them into the bathroom, which has allowed them to have IM conversations or create blog posts (such as this one) while sitting on the toilet. It's really a pretty sweet development.

As for humor, my intent was to force any viewers of said post to picture me sitting on the toilet while drinking their coffee early on a Monday morning. Which makes me laugh, if not you.

Fuck the NFL

Can someone explain to me why instead of watching Saints-Giants or Ravens-Vikings I'm stuck with these abominations? The combined record of these four teams is 3-16 (0-13 against real teams).

I live no less than two and half hours from Charlotte and four hours from Washington, so why the fuck am I forced to watch shitty games when there are good games on?

Update to last week's post: The Redskins' last 5 opponents are 3-2 against the 'Mericans but 0-22 against everyone else (excluding today's game between the Bucs and Panthers). Daniel Snyder...wow.

Gay Clone vs. Jackal

vs.



Any Questions?

Dont axe me how I found this

I cant 'splain it either except to say that I was born 1/4 white trash/redneck.

http://www.prisontalk.com/forums/index.php?s=88d5b351aa686e07392fb5b4da837f1e

This shit is Jerry Springer on the internet and fascinating. Definetly makes you not want to go to a federal pound you in the ass prison (or in SS's case, a Federale's ).

Hilarious B. Dizzle 2nd post of the night out!

"As the late, great, Col. Sanders once said' I'm too drunk to taste this chicken!'"

As I am currently in the aforementioned Kolonel Krispy's state, I decided I would share two of the dirt mcgurt's recipes for chiken. 1st one, I just did tonite.

Red Chicken Chili- (b/c I don't know what the fuck make's it white chicken chili- i forgot okay)

Saute 1/2 of a red onion in a sauce pan. Put 3 cubed boneless skinless chicken breasts in, stir until white. Add a 16 oz. can of pinto beans, a big ass can of diced tomatoes, and two big ass handfulls of jalapenos, chili seasoning mix, handful of cumin, double handful of oregano, handful of coarse/seasalt, double handfull of ground pepper, some more miscellaneous spices and simmer and stir over low heat for an hour and a half or so (or until hungry) then eat.

Jalapeno and Goatcheese stuffed chicken-

Butterfly however many chicken breasts you are cooking. Insert some solid goat cheese (mozzarella) and a big ass handful of jalepenos into the middle. Sprinkle with pepper and oregano. Close up breasts with moistened/soaked wooden toothpicks/money metal spears. Rub outside with any type of McCormick Steak/Chicken/Pork seasoning. (I use steak seasoning b/c there is not much difference between the 3.) Put on an aluminum foil covered broiler pan. Insert into pre-heated broiler. After about 5 minutes (a canned beer/cigarettes worth of time) flip over and repeat after 5 minutes. Then, apply some brown/stone-ground mustard to chicken and let carmelize/glaze over for a few minutes, then repeat on the other side. Next, crack a few beers and enjoy.


P.S. I know this is not a recipe for raw ass red meat, but every ninja jackal knows how to make that, so I thought I would throw out some recipes for some lesser ass meat to make it less pussy.

P.P.S. Mariah Carey is probably the only the only person on earth that I would toss her salad. Holler!