Look At The Crowd

Bunch of fucking clowns. 

Apologies (not really), but I had to retort.

Dwight Howard: Superman or Super Gay Clone?

I like the idea of Dwight Howard leading the Magic past the Lakers and denying Kobe "Rape Face" Bryant his fourth ring. That said something about Dwight Howard has never really sat right with me.

He prides himself on being a good Christian and never swearing and I'm pretty sure he came out of high school preaching 'no sex before marriage'... until he knocked up a NBA groupie. Don't talk about it be about it and don't talk or be about gay shit. Strike 1.

His nickname is Superman, because he did the 'Soulda Boy dance' at the dunk contest. No explanation needed. Strike 2.

Now at this point Dwight is treading on thin ice and earlier tonight I was convinced he was out due to wearing a sports bra which I have now discovered is something called techfit by addidas which is probably a $100 wife beater. But then it hit me

JJ Redick is his best friend on the team STRIKE 3 MOTHA FUCKA YOU'RE OUT!!!

ps you're 7 feet tall and 285 pounds, dunk the ball in a game you fucking pussy. and when you do this try to break the basket like a real man. none of this kinda dunking but not grabbing the rim bullshit. gay clone ass punk ass bitch...

Prius Gay Clone Dispute Continued

Need transportation that is not as nerdy as Head's hybrid but still treehugger friendly?

"Gotta be honest: I only car about cars to the extent that they (1) get me where I need to go and (2) do so without costing me a ton of money. So in a lot of ways the Prius is the perfect car for me (or the Civic Hybrid, which was much cheaper when I bought).  Oh and I am a big fucking nerd." - Head

Here are a few Jackal approved mobiles that even the crunchiest of hippies/or hipsters can appreciate.

Jackel MS50 Scooter (not that Jackal but the name is)

Santa Cruz Jackal
Moto Guzzi Jackal

PS if you don't like all these posts of mine...post your own.   Head, SS, TICO, and Boog are carrying you fools (good looking Aldente and KOTJ as well).

Is Kyle so horny he's sweating a fat chick?

You

be

the

judge.

http://jackalsunf.blogspot.com/2009/06/ask-jackal-new-hot-intern.html

When even your dog won't fuck you

Many of us have often wondered what it is like to be a total hipster doofus. You may or may not find yourself thinking "man I hate people who thought they were so cool in high school. I'll show them how smart I am by totally excluding them from the GayAssShit I do now. I don't need to be popular cause I am so fucking cool...Unlike those losers who thought they were so cool!"

You might even stand in line for a band that is so cool they don't even play music they just think it and hold instruments and it's so really smart and cool. That line might look like this.

But what happens to these people after the 'concert' is over. Do they get laid? Do they jerk off? Apparently not. Apparently they are so fucking cool they fuck the air. Then they get so good at it they become professional air fuckers and move on to the never getting laid cause I am so fucking cool and judgemental air fucking championships! http://www.airsexworldchampionships.com/?page_id=82

That's how cool Rock and Roll is. Air fucking.

Your play T Large and Clonelle. Check and . . . . MATE!

Ask a Jackal: New Hot Intern

This marks the start of a new feature at The Jackals Den: Ask a Jackal. Here we'll take questions from people we know and get a Jackal's perspective on how to handle it. Today's conundrum comes from Kyle, a long-time friend of a Jackal:

We just got an intern today and she's wicked hot. I can't talk to anyone at work about it, so I'm leaning on you guys. Wicked hot, no exaggeration. Anyone on who knows me knows that I shouldn't be in close proximity to wicked hot females. And she's been asked to report to me! This can't end well.

Jackals, chime in on the most Jackal-like way to handle this. (Note: Picture provided for illustrative purposes. This is not actually the coworker in question....as far as I know.)

McRib this ones for you!

Stealing Evan's thunder here but Burger King is going to start selling ribs at select locations (read in states that think the confederacy won the Civil War, and Dundulk).

http://citythatbreeds.com/2009/06/burger-king-is-be-gettin-ribs/

You know they're going to suck and you know said locations are going to be in the dirty south but man oh man if we ever make a trip to go see Short Sleeves that would be some awesome late night drunk food. I am thinking they would end up on the BK $ menu of shit or whatever the fuck it's called and you could get a giant greasy bag containing the ribs of 3 actual pigs for something south of $20. Your toilet would never be the same.

Awesome.

Unsolicited Investment Advice: BUY Slim Jims

Being in the Dirty South has its advantages. For example, I'm the first Jackal to find out about the explosion and collapse of a Slim Jim factory near here. That sound you hear is meat-eaters all over the country wailing, while vegetarians say...."meh?"

Another perspective: Are we now facing a Slim Jim shortage? This is after all the only plant in the country that makes Slim Jims. Not to go all Jim Cramer (except not gay) on you, but BUY BUY BUY!!!!!* Imagine the drooling hoards of rednecks roaming the streets, half-mad from shriveled semi-fake meat withdrawal.....and you having the stash of Slim Jims to serve them. BUY!!!

*Investment advice may or may not be totally retarded (it also may or may not be better than that spouted on Mad Money). Neither Head nor the Jackals Den are responsible for any losses incurred while adhering to this investment advice. We would, however, appreciate it if you would get us awesome with any profits made from said advice.

Want a new computer screen?

Try to watch this and NOT punch your computer screen....I dare you.

As I stated yesterday, Prius's are for gay clones. If you need proof positive, review the youtube clip below.

GAF

Case closed.

Jackal Plea for Help: How screwed am I?

I have a work golf outing this Friday. In typical Ball Deep fashion I have committed myself for something and procrastinated doing something proactive to prepare myself until the last moment. There will be some heavy hitters from the company in attendance. We are playing 18 at a local club. I have played golf a total of 4 times in my entire life. I don't even own clubs. I suck ass at golf. I don't even like it. I can barely swing a club correctly as many of you know. This has potential of epic disaster written all over it. Any recommendations for me so that I can attempt to salvage some dignity and maybe even my job? Help a jackal out.

Isn't gay cloning nominating a glay clone thing to do?

Kinda lika the guy who says first..."oh SHIT who the fuck farted?"

(by the way it was me)

Instead I'll submit a daily hot chick (let's start with a G rated since rainbow got tagged)

Gay Clone of the Day: Shia La Beouf/John Travolta

Well couldn't decide which of these was worse so I am nominated them both for today's Gay Clone of the Day award. Both have new movies coming out, both are famous for God knows what, and rest assured both are clearly GAF.

Now I like mindless entertainment as much as the next guy and I wanted to like Transformers with its witty humor and its cutting edge CGI and of course Megan Fox, but really how many producers did this guy suck off to get famous. He is clearly a no talent ass clown in its most definite form. Did anyone waste their time seeing Indiana Jones? Anyone?....OK so I did but that is not the point. The point is this guy sucks......a lot.

That brings us to Mr. Travolta. Yes, he has had some recent tragedy and I do feel for his family on that. He also made disco cool for a least a year. That said, Travolta has not made a good movie since Pulp Fiction. And that was not good because of him but rather good even though he was in it. I mean without Samuel L. Jackson he would have just been a fat heroin addict with a cool car anyway. Let's go down the list of why he sucks. Broken Arrow, Broken Arrow, Broken Arrow, Hairspray, Ladder 49, Swordfish, Battlefield Earth (apparently had to look this one up), Phenomenon, Look Who's Talking, Wild Hogs, he flys his own personal fleet of commercial aircrafts, he is friends with Oprah, he believes in aliens or scientology or whatever they call it these days, and he is John Travolta.

So congrats Tinseltown tossers you are tied for today's whole lot of suck award.

Bloodbath

No, I'm not talking about what you get when you cross a jackal. Rather, I'm talking about what you get when your crazy kid trips forehead first into the corner of a door. As Damon or Schubert know from Manor Woods, heads bleed a lot. This is what my shirt looked like afterward - that blood came out of my 25 lb kid in about a minute or two, and that's what made it past the cloth we were holding to the wound and didn't end up on our (freshly cleaned) carpet. Random trips to the ER are the shit! He had a wide gash on his forehead but they fixed it up with Dermabond.

Two takeaways from this:

• Ball Deep, every time you encourage your Baby Jackaline to walk, you're setting yourself up for this.
• ScarShoulders, maybe you shouldn't make a baby after all. The last thing SSette needs is to be rousing her husband with smelling salts while she holds a bloody cloth to her kid's forehead.

By the way, he's alright; five minutes after the fall happened, it was like he'd forgotten all about it and wanted to run all over the house again (even though his head was still bleeding). He's a tough little Jackal...

This is Amazing

I bought one of these today.  I wanted to get a "Dallas Sucks" one too, but I figure this is good enough for now.

http://frostybeerman.com/duke-sucks-beer-koozie.html