Tuesday, June 30, 2009

UNF this motherfucker!

Only this, intergalactic epicenter of douchebaggery would have the sac to shit on a franchise as glorious as the Transformers. To mar and maul it's illustrious heritage with a robot that speaks ebonics, or a main character as gay clonable as Shya Labeouf or however you spell is whack ass french name. Yes, france, I stopped capitalizing the eff in your stupid fuckin' country's name, you can go back to your shitty mustache, clone beret and 'haw haw haw's. I'm pretty fuckin' pissed this DB is making a second pass at the jackal motherfuckers known as Transformers and more pissed it's not tanking at the box office. Fuck you, Michael Bay, go read scripts about your future assignment to desecrate, of all things, board games! Although, whoever brought Megan Fox into the mix, that fuckin' jackal needs his due!


P.S. cqq99, who the fuck are you? Are you so spineless as to meander through the Jackals Den, without saying a word? Not contributing is one thing, but your name suggests nothing funny, nor anything jackal. Instead it consists of three letters and two numbers. Obviously, I have some issues with aggravation, but there are so many things about your appearance in the contributors column that incite my inner Tico. You're Steven, aren't you? SS, I thought we were going to do away with "contributors" that suck ass. From this day forward, I will refer to their kind as CTSA's. Yes, Babyface, that's another acronym, in case you're counting.

WTF?????

What the hell is wrong with this country? This is a real product. Note the different options available, happy or determined Obama. I saw this on MY9 during the Jail program. If you haven't seen it...you are really missing "OOUUTTT"

GCOTD

So I'm going to Wales for a wedding this weekend? I don't understand this place. Are they a country, are they a state. I'll tell you what their not, Jackals. Who heard about that revolution they had to become their own country? Uhhh, yeah. Scotland, yeah they got that shit down. Been fightin for a thousand years. Ireland, been there, done that. Freedom....check. Wales, what the fuck is wrong with you? You like being England's bitch or something?

I am accepting all suggestions to UNF this bitch ass country in any way possible.
No offer will be turned down!

GCOTD: Me

I realize I am placing myself in bad company here, but let's be honest for a moment. For at least the next 3 weeks going to be a Gay Clone because the Tour de France is starting which means that I will be watching Vs. (known for lame as programming such as MMA, and well that's it MMA) for a minimum of a few hours a day to watch dudes in France sweating it out in Spandex. I'm just sayin'.

America, FUCK YEAH!!




Suck on that France. Bitches. Guess our soccer team doesn't look that shitty after all compared to the rest of the worlds football teams.

America. Fuck Yeah. Baleeve it.

I'm Back

It's been 4 days. Too long. Work holding me down. Kansas hold me down. Everyone's falling off. No Gay Clones of the day. No signs of life from Voicemail. But leave it to SS to get back on his grind and fill you in on the realness bright and early on Tuesday morning, midwest recap style.

Annoyance #1. Lightning at the airport. They make an announcement that we will be delayed. We haven't boarded yet. Then they board us 2 minutes later.. Get on the plane and they make an announcement that the plane needs to be fueled up and none of our luggage is on it and there is still lightning and we'll be delayed a bit. 90 minutes later we take off. Note to all airlines. If you ever put me on a plane that has no fuel or luggage again I will kill you.

Annoyance #2. Get our rental car and go to drive out of the lot and the receipt doesn't match the car. We got it out of spot 300 like we were supposed to. Had to go back and get it squared away. Annoying as fuck.

Annoyance #3. We are now driving around fucking Kansas.

And then things took a turn for the awesome. Get to the hotel a bit after midnight Kansas time. Greeted with scotch. Drink scotch. Convince Heather it's an awesome idea for me to go to Atlantic City the night before the family trip to Greece. Kick ass in some Wii bowling. Get awesome until 4am.

Day 2. Wake up and hit the breakfast and then the pool. You can add Heathers grandmother, cousins, aunts and uncles to the list of people who respect my gangsta in the form of the ScarShoulders. Off to lunch. Jack Stack BBQ. Hot damn that shit was good. I got some sort of sampler and the beef rib was the size of my fist and unbelievably tender and delicious. The baby backs were good too as were the burnt ends to a lesser degree and the beans which has chicken AND beef in them were out of this world. Then the wedding, and getting awesome until 4am again.

This story serves as a lesson to all of you. I had a great time in Kansas, got awesome both nights, won 5 games of Wii bowling (which I had never played before, I'm a fuckin bowling natural) green lighted an AC trip, had some awesome BBQ, bonded with Heathers family, and basically Jackaled it up 24 7. When you're given Lemons (Kansas) make Lemonade (UNF everywhere).

Balee dat.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Billy Mays: RIP + Shipping and Handling

The Shamwow guy is lucky Billy Mays is dead, because these mugshots taken after getting his ass beat by a woman are child's play compared the beat down BM would have laid down. (even if though this happened months ago)

If he were still alive he would beat that ass with shoe....for only 19.95 Baallleevvvee it.




Got something that surprised you and you're not sure if you want to tell co-workers or patrons at your third choice of bars(Pontius' Gay Clone Emporium)?

Don't fret, my mellow, my jackal. You're good pal Boogers McRib is here. Big promotion, let ol' Boog take the bang out of your new buck. Propose to a special lady? Good thing he has your parents' number. It's all good. It's kind of a socially awkward gag reflex, instead of ignore the homeless guy that approached the table, why not invite him to hear the news? My bad, homey. If you don't feel better after this jackapology, the only thing that will save you would be Baltimora

Friday, June 26, 2009

It's Fuckin Friday!

its fucking friday!! i hope every jackal has a good time getting awesome, freakin out the squares, and UNF'n the GCs this weekend. pour one out for those we've lost and live it up.

Serious Post

Sorry to post something serious here, but this has really been bothering me. Why do I have a horrible feeling that we could go to war over this issue?

If you have not seen the video of the Iranian woman shot in the streets by police for protesting the bullshit election they had over there, consider yourself lucky. I am not posting it because I am not sure if I should have watched it. (Am I being voyeuristic or gathering news?) Thinking about it has really been messing with me. The image is the most gut-wrenching thing I have seen in a long time. I don't think I have ever seen something more upsetting as a matter of fact. I am not sure if it is because she is a young woman, because she is innocent, or because there is such chaos around her, but it really is one of the most terrible things I have ever seen.

While we are busy worrying about the "King of Pop", mundane day-to-day shit and a housing market in turmoil (big issue but not in comparison), these people are living in hell. No joke...hell.
Then we have North Korea acting the fool over there and a bunch of crazies in South America too. This could very well be a recipe for WWIII, or at the very least Obama's Iraq, in my humble opinion.

I am not going to go on a whole rant here, but just to say take care of you and families because the next few years could be really rough.