Fuck the Fucking World Fuckers

It's now 11:46...DC United vs. Seattle Sounders was supposed to start at 10. I hate FUCKING ESPN. Some may say it soccer, who cares, but I've been left to watch Virginia vs. Arkansas in a heated College World Series matchup. WHO COULD CARE FUCKING LESS. FML

all of our dicks and all of our pussies are gonna be covered in SHIT!

...if you fuckin' fucks continue to have your way with the Den. The Den is not a pre-teen Vietnamese villager for you to rape over her rice barrel. This isn't fucking 'Nam, there are fucking rules. Rule #1) America is the fucking shit. America is the best country. America did take everything it has from someone else and they will have it until someone takes it away.

If you want to keep tossing shit on our rock of badassery, tasked with upholding a large fucking portion of civilized human behavior, count these two slutty bitches out. They were going to drop the flags and show you all some goods, but then they read our blog and saw you guys suckin' Castro's balls and fuckin' hating on their shit. Stop hating, terrorist.

We are old farts

Old fucking farts.... babyface go and hit it because after a while you'll be be the old creepy guy going to Spring break shows...

Nomination: Gay Clone of the Century, 20th Century: Harry S Truman

Nice glasses and combover gay clone.

Born in the epically gay 1880s Missouri Harry Truman is best known as the 33rd president of the United States. Like many not ready for prime time players Truman lucked into the job when FDR dropped dead only 82 days after the inauguration. Shortly thereafter Truman began piling up the Epic Fails that will change the world forever, like BallDeep racks up Jackals Den Posts.

Epic Fail #1 - Dropping the Atomic Bombs on Hiroshima and Nagosaki. The war was already fucking over. Berlin had already fallen and Japan was on the verge of surrendering. But like any little dick asshole with a chance to humiliate his opponent Truman went for the off the backboard pass to himself windmill jam on the breakaway up 10 with 20 seconds left on the clock. Unfortunately the retaliation isn't a hard foul the next time the two teams meet but every crazy ass world leader from that moment onward saying "I just HAVE to get me one of those nuclear weapons...". End result for everyone in the world, we know exactly what will lead to the end of human life on this planet, a Nuclear Holocaust. Thanks Harry! Way to go! You showed out and we all get fucked!

Epic Fail #2 - Establishing Israel in Palestine as opposed to Argentina. Truman was a key figure in the establishment of the Jewish state in the Palestine Mandate. Fuck man this shit was retarded for a number of extremely simple reasons. #1 the Palestinians and Jews were already killing the shit out of each other in what is now Israel for 30 years before the stupid decision was made to ship another 1.5 million Jews into the area. #2 It's a small fucking area you just shipped 1.5 million extra people to. #3 It's the beginning of civilization for both of those religions so all the fucking lunatics who believe in fairy tales are gonna be extra fucking excited about dying for the cause. #4 Jackals in their animal form are native to the territory, never fuck with Jackals. This decision isn't made and the relationship our country has with the Middle East would be drastically different, plain and simple.

For fun let's go through the list of wars American has been involved in for the last 40 years and see how many of them are a result of Truman's Epic Fails.

1. Korean War (1950–1953) Communist North Korea, supported by China, invaded non-communist South Korea. UN forces, principally made up of U.S. troops, fought successfully to protect South Korea. The Korean War was the first armed conflict in the global struggle between democracy and communism, called the cold war. I'll give Truman 1/3 credit for this one as with all the other cold wars which are only necessary because we were afraid the communists would get Nuclear Weapons. Bonus points to North Korea now having them and hating us for supporting the south in this war.


2. Bay of Pigs (1961) The U.S. orchestrated the invasion, an unsuccessful attempt by Cuban exiles to overthrow Fidel Castro's communist regime in Cuba. 1/3 credit, props to Castro for being a bad ass and standing 80 miles off the coast of Florida with one middle finger in the air at the US for 50 years and the other middle finger in the air at his people. What a bad ass.


3. Vietnam War (1961–1973) In 1955, communist North Vietnam invaded non-communist South Vietnam in an attempt to unify the country and impose communist rule. The United States joined the war on the side of South Vietnam in 1961, but withdrew combat troops in 1973. In 1975 North Vietnam succeeded in taking control of South Vietnam.
   Dominican Republic (1965) President Lyndon Johnson sent marines and troops to quash a leftist uprising in the Dominican Republic, fearing the island nation would follow in the footsteps of Cuba and turn communist. 1/3 credit.


4. Lebanon (1982–1984) U.S. troops formed part of a multinational peacekeeping force to help the fragile Lebanese government maintain power.


5. Grenada (1983) President Reagan invaded the Caribbean nation of Grenada to overthrow its socialist government, which had close ties with Cuba. 1/3 credit. We only go to Greneda cause we suck at going to Cuba.


6. Panama (1989) President George H.W. Bush invaded Panama and overthrew Panamanian dictator and drug-smuggler Manuel Noriega. No credit but this is a HILARIOUS description of overthrowing the leader we supported and helped get into power a mere 6-8 years earlier. Ever hear of the Iran-Contra affair? yeah....


7. Gulf War (1991) Iraq invaded Kuwait, and a U.S.-led multinational force came to Kuwait's aid and expelled Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein's forces. Full credit. Direct result of relationship with Israel.


8. Somalia (1993) A U.S.-led multinational force attempted to restore order to war-torn Somalia so that food could be delivered and distributed within the famine-stricken country.


9. Bosnia (1994–1995) During the Bosnian civil war, which began shortly after the country declared independence in 1992, the U.S. launched air strikes on Bosnia to prevent “ethnic cleansing,” primarily by Serbs against Bosnians. The U.S. became a part of NATO's peacekeeping force in the region.


10. Kosovo (1999) Yugoslavia's province of Kosovo erupted into violence in the spring of 1999. A U.S.-led NATO force intervened with air strikes after Slobodan Milosevic's Serbian forces uprooted the population and embarked on the ethnic cleansing of Kosovo's ethnic Albanian population.


11. Afghanistan (2001– ) The Taliban government harbored Osama bin Laden and the al-Qaeda terrorist group, responsible for the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks on the United States. After Afghanistan refused to turn over Bin Laden, the U.S. and UN coalition forces invaded. The Taliban government was ousted and many terrorist camps in Afghanistan were destroyed. U.S. and NATO troops remain in Afghanistan to support its fragile new government. Full credit. Direct result of relationship with Israel leading to first gulf war leading to 9/11.
12. Iraq War (2003– ) The U.S. and Great Britain invaded and toppled the government of dictator Saddam Hussein. Troops remain in Iraq to combat the insurgency that formed after Hussein's defeat. Full credit. Direct result of relationship with Israel leading to first gulf war leading to 9/11.
    

So what's that add up to, 4 1/3 out of 12 including just about all the big ones? Way to fucking go numb nuts. I hope I meet one of your grandchildren so I can punch them in the fucking throat. If any Jackal can do me a favor and locate a Truman statue I would love to UNF the fuck out of it with actual urine and feces as well as print outs of this post.

I recognize that the perpetual state of war we are in employs multiple members of The Jackals Den, myself included. Jackals are allowed to work for the man and hate the man all at the same time. Jackals are complex and mischievous like that. Read up on your Jackal Tales if you don't know that.

Scarring the Den's Shoulders

These posts of several hundred words, suck ass. I guess their length is supposed to envoke humor, in disgusting fact, I know because you told me, that Evanessance's "Contract My Crabs" party was going to be over the top. Like a jackass, I encouraged you to take notes! Why? Like a bridge over troubled water, SS, I will lay me down.

Just hours after "cracking the whip" on his jackal minions for skrimpin' efforts, dude is audacious enough to undermind the Den as he created it, in his own image.

I'm personally scrubbing down the Jackals Den with Monkey Farts. Ha, I can't believe that COULD be a real sentence.
So you know this lady gets all kinds of frisky in the sack. She can't even keep her ham hocks off this toy wooden horse. I'm just saying, when your lady has to do the "mom" and get the mom do, she's still gonna need that lovin'.
This bullshit actually has a title. It's called Tear of the Clouds. You don't have to write 3000 words to be as gay. I want the Jackals Den back. I feel like I fell for his tricks. That horrendous post may have been tha' Shoulda's call to all you skrimps watching this blog go by. Shoulders, please keep the word count down. I'm not reading. That's fine and all, but, the shit sucks.

WTF?????

This is what happens when the gay clones find out about the powers of getting awesome.  Vulgar abuse of power.  

WARNING:  Viewing either one of these videos in their entirety may cause injury and/or death from incredible lameness

Just cuz

For all the bammas that don't know, best commercial out there.

Gay Clone of the year...early nomination

Auto Tune vs. Metropolitan Orlando





They both have the "face of the franchise", auto tune, a science experiment gone awry, has T-Pain, and the Orlando Magic, none other than the citizens of Downtown Metropolitan Orlando, and Stan van Gundy.

Former GCOTD, Kanye West, went so far as to record an entire "album" with this whack shit. The formula for any popular hit song on hip-hop radio...intro with beat, high pitch robot, hook with word and modifier, i.e. "Stanky Leg", "Blame It", low pitch robot, repeat hook 34 times, sell records, drive Voicemail bat-shit crazy.

Claiming to be a "major city", Orlando hails from the panhandle-shaped cradle of sex offenders, Florida. Coincidentally, home to T-Fucking Pain, Florida rarely gives America reason to be proud.

I dare you to listen to this entire song.

Thank God for Wendy's.


So, Jackals, what say you?

Evan's Birthday All You Can Eat Crab Lunch (A Somewhat Comprehensive Recap)

Saturday June the 13th, the year of our Jackal 2009, was much like the month of March. In like a lion and out like a lamb. Your faithful narrator had quite a Friday evening, as was explained in some detail in an earlier post. After rising with the sun and walking 15 blocks to Union Station I settled into a metro bench and waited 19 minutes for the next red line train, Glenmont bound..


Upon entering the train I settled into a back right chair and attempted to enjoy the pulsating rythems of my iPod Nano while keeping my eye out for any metro shenanigans. I also kept track of the metro stops as they went by to ensure I did not miss my chance to photograph a tag of the word "STRIKE" I had seen on my way into the city the night before. I would get into greater detail here why this tag would be a fine picture to have, but in the spirit of keeping this post short and to the point I will leave that for another time. Once I passed the Brookland station I knew the tag was upcoming and I readyed my camera phone. I saw the tag, I hit the button, and . . . . . . . drats! I missed!!
This first epic fail of the day would not damper my spirits however, for today, I had all you can eat crabs to conquor.

Upon returning to Silver Spring I picked up my trustee stallion from the garage I left it in the night before and made my way home. After a 2 hour nap and a short conversation with the Mrs. I readied myself for the tassk at hand. I took the dog for a short walk, drank a couple of glasses of water, and even talked to Boogers about the hilarity of the night before. Eventually the time of departure was upon us, and I asked Heather if she wouldn't mind driving. Into the Civic we went.

A short drive back tracking into Silver Spring was in order to pick up Heathers friend Beth. Beth was kind enough to pick me up a Starbucks iced coffee which I sorely needed. "Big" was the size I ordered, it was not enough...

We made our way back over to the Beltway and headed off to Annapolis MD and Cantlers Riverside Inn. The drive was quite scenic and pleasant although I was a bit hungover, and many laughs were had recalling the tomfoolery of the night before. We were running a bit late so I sent Evan a text "running a bit late, save us crabs". Eventually we made our way down the windy road to Cantlers and desended upon the fine dining establishment.

Upon our arrival pleasantries were exchanged and I sat down to the all you can eat crabs. Some of you may be crab "picking" (this means eating) novices so I will now quickly let you know how it is done.

Step One: Select a Crab
Pick a nice heavy crab with large claws. Turn the crab upside down to determine if it is a male or female. Some people prefer the taste of male crabs (also known as “Jimmies”) to female crabs (or “Sooks”). Jimmies and Sooks are easy to tell apart by the shape of the apron in the center of the crab’s underside. Jimmies have a long and narrow apron that looks like an upside down “T”. Sooks have a semi-circular, bell shaped apron that comes to a point at the top. We were eating Jimmies, we aren't assholes.

Step Two: Remove the Crab’s Claws and Legs
Snap off the two large claws at the body of the crab and set them aside for later. Remove the crab’s smaller legs next. If you pull carefully, some meat may be found at the end of each joint to give you just a teaser of what you will find inside.

Step Three: Open the Crab
With your thumb or knife, pull back the tip of the apron on the underside of the crab. Snap the apron off at the joint where it meets the top shell. This will separate the body of the crab from the shell. With both hands, pull the body and the shell apart. With the body of the crab exposed, remove the face area, scrape off the gills and the yellowish, mustard like substance in the center. The mustard can be eaten, but the gills, also known as Devil Fingers, should not. I personally don't eat the mustard and scrap it away with my knife.

Step Four: Picking the Crabmeat
Break the remaining part of the body in half and then break each half again, exposing the chambers containing solid white crabmeat. Use the knife or your fingers to pick the crabmeat away from the cavities of the crab’s body.

Step Five: Don’t Forget the Claws AND LEGS
Pick up one of the claws set aside back in Step Two. Pull the claw apart at the joint. If you separate the joint carefully, you may be able to pull the crabmeat out of the claw shell. If not, crack the claw shell with a mallet or knife and pull the meat out from the cavity. In these touch economic times and with Blue Crabs being somewhat depleted dont neglect eating the legs as well. Just crack those suckers in half above the top joint and suck the meat out. Waste not want not.

Step Six: Enjoy, Repeat
Picking crabs may seem like daunting work at first, but when you taste the rewards of your labor you will come to understand the popularity of Maryland Blue Crabs. Plus when you are done it will look like you did somethign awesome. p>Now some of our crew was a bit tired and hungover to go the all you can eat route. The some of our crew I am referring to is Beth(left) and Heather(right).

They both opted for the crab cake sandwich which came with a side of fries and coleslaw. I should add that the all you can eat crabs included fries, 'slaw', and even grilled corn on the cob! Quite a deal for $27.95!!

Oh boy, looks like someone was hungry (or had a hungry hungover husband who ate half her sandwich and most of her fries but doesn't like coleslaw)!!

Many of you would be happy to know the Jackals blog was talked a bout quite a bit. The takeover is in full effect. Apparently many of the attenders of the event have seen the blog, read the blog, like the blog, but may be somewhat afraid to post on the blog. Our reputation proceeds us as ball busters.

Well one thing led to another and I had to excuse myself to head to the lavatory. On my way there I noticed a lovely chalk board with the steps to eating a crab. I remembered my days at The Crab Shanty, in Ellicott City, and wondered why they didn't have such a helpful board. I recall with some terror two Asian American businessmen who had no idea how to eat MD Blue Crabs that were actually chewing them shells and all to get the meat out. I would have helped them out but was afraid I may insult them and cost my waiter a precious tip. If only they had gone to a more helpful establishment... but I digress.

Upon relieving myself in the lavatory (which was quite clean for a crab pickin bar) I found this most nostalgic picture on the wall of Rick Sutcliffe.

For those of you that don't remember Sutcliffe he broke into the majors in 1979. He won 17 games for the Los Angeles Dodgers and was the first of four consecutive Rookies of the Year for the Dodgers from 1979–1982 (Steve Howe, Fernando Valenzuela, and Steve Sax were the others).

Later in his career Sutcliffe spent three years with the hometown Baltimore Orioles. Signing with the Baltimore Orioles, Sutcliffe went 16–15 and 10–10 in 1992 and 1993, starting the first game at Oriole Park at Camden Yards. I have many fond memories of watching The Red Baron pitch at The Yard...

Upon returning to the table it was about time to settle up the tab and head home. I wished Evan

a happy birthday and made him promise to give James and Ryan shit for being gay clones and not posting enough at the bar crawl that evening.

At this point in time it was around 1:30 PM and the day was still young my friends. We re-entered the Civic and headed west bound on route 50 and . . . . . . .

JUST IN CASE YOU MOTHER FUCKERS DIDN'T KNOW I'M SCAR SHOULDERS AND I RUN THIS SHIT!! IF I WANNA POST A SOMEWHAT SERIOUS POST TO GET OUR READERSHIP UP ON AWESOME VODKA THAT'S WHAT THE FUCK I'M GOING TO DO! YOU WANT ME TO GET SARCASTRO GANGSTA AND FLOOD THE BLOG WITH 10,000 WORDS OF BORING ASS SHIT? YOU WANNA FUCKIN DARE ME TO GET NUTS? HOW MANY PEOPLE KISSED YOUR SHOES? WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU JUMPED OFF A 50 FOOT CLIFF? HOW MANY BATTLE SCARS DID GOD BLESS YOUR BACK WITH? CRADLE TO THE GRAVE SON. TWO WORDS SON: BALEEVE IT!

A MUST Have for all Jackals!

In a recent scouring of the internet for all things Jackal I came across this.

Again a must have for all those who love sneaking beer into places... I mean who doesn't love that?

http://dvice.com/archives/2009/06/beer-in-a-pouch.php/beer-in-a-pouch-doesnt-add-metallic-tastes-easy-to-fill