Nomination: Gay Clone of the Century, 20th Century: Harry S Truman

Nice glasses and combover gay clone.

Born in the epically gay 1880s Missouri Harry Truman is best known as the 33rd president of the United States. Like many not ready for prime time players Truman lucked into the job when FDR dropped dead only 82 days after the inauguration. Shortly thereafter Truman began piling up the Epic Fails that will change the world forever, like BallDeep racks up Jackals Den Posts.

Epic Fail #1 - Dropping the Atomic Bombs on Hiroshima and Nagosaki. The war was already fucking over. Berlin had already fallen and Japan was on the verge of surrendering. But like any little dick asshole with a chance to humiliate his opponent Truman went for the off the backboard pass to himself windmill jam on the breakaway up 10 with 20 seconds left on the clock. Unfortunately the retaliation isn't a hard foul the next time the two teams meet but every crazy ass world leader from that moment onward saying "I just HAVE to get me one of those nuclear weapons...". End result for everyone in the world, we know exactly what will lead to the end of human life on this planet, a Nuclear Holocaust. Thanks Harry! Way to go! You showed out and we all get fucked!

Epic Fail #2 - Establishing Israel in Palestine as opposed to Argentina. Truman was a key figure in the establishment of the Jewish state in the Palestine Mandate. Fuck man this shit was retarded for a number of extremely simple reasons. #1 the Palestinians and Jews were already killing the shit out of each other in what is now Israel for 30 years before the stupid decision was made to ship another 1.5 million Jews into the area. #2 It's a small fucking area you just shipped 1.5 million extra people to. #3 It's the beginning of civilization for both of those religions so all the fucking lunatics who believe in fairy tales are gonna be extra fucking excited about dying for the cause. #4 Jackals in their animal form are native to the territory, never fuck with Jackals. This decision isn't made and the relationship our country has with the Middle East would be drastically different, plain and simple.

For fun let's go through the list of wars American has been involved in for the last 40 years and see how many of them are a result of Truman's Epic Fails.

1. Korean War (1950–1953) Communist North Korea, supported by China, invaded non-communist South Korea. UN forces, principally made up of U.S. troops, fought successfully to protect South Korea. The Korean War was the first armed conflict in the global struggle between democracy and communism, called the cold war. I'll give Truman 1/3 credit for this one as with all the other cold wars which are only necessary because we were afraid the communists would get Nuclear Weapons. Bonus points to North Korea now having them and hating us for supporting the south in this war.


2. Bay of Pigs (1961) The U.S. orchestrated the invasion, an unsuccessful attempt by Cuban exiles to overthrow Fidel Castro's communist regime in Cuba. 1/3 credit, props to Castro for being a bad ass and standing 80 miles off the coast of Florida with one middle finger in the air at the US for 50 years and the other middle finger in the air at his people. What a bad ass.


3. Vietnam War (1961–1973) In 1955, communist North Vietnam invaded non-communist South Vietnam in an attempt to unify the country and impose communist rule. The United States joined the war on the side of South Vietnam in 1961, but withdrew combat troops in 1973. In 1975 North Vietnam succeeded in taking control of South Vietnam.
   Dominican Republic (1965) President Lyndon Johnson sent marines and troops to quash a leftist uprising in the Dominican Republic, fearing the island nation would follow in the footsteps of Cuba and turn communist. 1/3 credit.


4. Lebanon (1982–1984) U.S. troops formed part of a multinational peacekeeping force to help the fragile Lebanese government maintain power.


5. Grenada (1983) President Reagan invaded the Caribbean nation of Grenada to overthrow its socialist government, which had close ties with Cuba. 1/3 credit. We only go to Greneda cause we suck at going to Cuba.


6. Panama (1989) President George H.W. Bush invaded Panama and overthrew Panamanian dictator and drug-smuggler Manuel Noriega. No credit but this is a HILARIOUS description of overthrowing the leader we supported and helped get into power a mere 6-8 years earlier. Ever hear of the Iran-Contra affair? yeah....


7. Gulf War (1991) Iraq invaded Kuwait, and a U.S.-led multinational force came to Kuwait's aid and expelled Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein's forces. Full credit. Direct result of relationship with Israel.


8. Somalia (1993) A U.S.-led multinational force attempted to restore order to war-torn Somalia so that food could be delivered and distributed within the famine-stricken country.


9. Bosnia (1994–1995) During the Bosnian civil war, which began shortly after the country declared independence in 1992, the U.S. launched air strikes on Bosnia to prevent “ethnic cleansing,” primarily by Serbs against Bosnians. The U.S. became a part of NATO's peacekeeping force in the region.


10. Kosovo (1999) Yugoslavia's province of Kosovo erupted into violence in the spring of 1999. A U.S.-led NATO force intervened with air strikes after Slobodan Milosevic's Serbian forces uprooted the population and embarked on the ethnic cleansing of Kosovo's ethnic Albanian population.


11. Afghanistan (2001– ) The Taliban government harbored Osama bin Laden and the al-Qaeda terrorist group, responsible for the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks on the United States. After Afghanistan refused to turn over Bin Laden, the U.S. and UN coalition forces invaded. The Taliban government was ousted and many terrorist camps in Afghanistan were destroyed. U.S. and NATO troops remain in Afghanistan to support its fragile new government. Full credit. Direct result of relationship with Israel leading to first gulf war leading to 9/11.
12. Iraq War (2003– ) The U.S. and Great Britain invaded and toppled the government of dictator Saddam Hussein. Troops remain in Iraq to combat the insurgency that formed after Hussein's defeat. Full credit. Direct result of relationship with Israel leading to first gulf war leading to 9/11.
    

So what's that add up to, 4 1/3 out of 12 including just about all the big ones? Way to fucking go numb nuts. I hope I meet one of your grandchildren so I can punch them in the fucking throat. If any Jackal can do me a favor and locate a Truman statue I would love to UNF the fuck out of it with actual urine and feces as well as print outs of this post.

I recognize that the perpetual state of war we are in employs multiple members of The Jackals Den, myself included. Jackals are allowed to work for the man and hate the man all at the same time. Jackals are complex and mischievous like that. Read up on your Jackal Tales if you don't know that.