Jackal Transit: Toyota Previa

Lost your nuts because you have to sell your sports car to get a family friendly ride? Cop that Previa, yo. Or grab an Odyssey, dem joints is tight too. Slap a DVD on fo yo jackals in the back. Drop SOP LP at full blast at a tailgate with room to spare. Back in the day, me and Nuggets a.k.a. voicemail laid down a track about the Previa at the O's game in our youf. (5th grade I think?) I am thinking about getting one and putting some spinner hubcaps and some neon lights for underneath. (Come on Aldente, you know you are getting pissed reading this. Come out from gay clone hiding, damn you!)

"Toyota Previa...it looks like a football...and when you sit in it, ya feel
like ya sittin; still"

- MC WORD and DJ WRD

Rapture Imminent: These Parents Should Be Drawn and Quartered

If you have yet to lose faith in humanity and the decency of America, look no further than TLC(once stood for The Learning Channel, now synonymous with brain toilet). They ran J&K+8 into the sixth layer of hell, why not plaster some cosmetics on toddlers and start them on a path of beauty competitions(because the world isn't enough of a beauty contest anyway, see John McCain's 2008 running mate) when all they want to do is play Nintendo DS?   

GCOTD: Big Ben

It would not be the NFL without some offseason Legal trouble. What a moron. Remember a few years ago with this dickhead crashed his motorcycle without a helmet? Seriously Big Ben, your a douche.

So let me get this straight, so if you pay someone millions of dollars to play a kids game and allow them to glide through school and life and then expect them not a be retard they will be one anyway?

Crazy Enough to Work

I fucking love dogs. Don't get me wrong. I was really fucking pissed when I found out what MV and his jigga-whos were up to down there. Hear me out on this. The Ravens already have a reputation for stabbing ninjas and generally disregarding human well-being. Derrick Mason, shocked I'm sure by the shooting death of his good friend while he was boozed up and getting very unjackal with a mistress(jackals are monogamous, ba-leeve it!), has left the dirty birds in need of a solid receiver. It's been the speculation of many that Michael Vick should have never been an NFL quarterback. Football is too much of a team sport for the running quarterback to ever be a truly dominant force.

At this point, reinstatement would only allow Vick to attend a training camp. I don't see the harm in trying Vick out for six weeks. Any thoughts on whether this might work or not, jackals? I submit it would be one of the top three most exciting offenses to watch in the NFL, given that it's my team, I would obviously vote THE most exciting, but I'm trying to be somewhat objective. Cam Cameron drew up some rediculous shit last year, this play being one of the prettier ones. Welcome back, SS. I almost told you, specifically, to wise from your gwabe, but you chimed in in a timely fashion and for that, all jackals are put on notice.

Hoooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwllllllllllllllllllllllll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's right my ninjas and my ninjettes, Scar Shoulders is back up in this motha fucka, let's take it back to June 2009!!!

Work be holding a brother down like a DC United scarf weighing down the awesomeness of fallen Jackals. But like Dr Dre breaking free from BAN like Easy E and Tim Dogg I've shed the shackles of the IT overlords and am ready to get awesome as it once was and shall always be.

So what have I missed in the Den? General Boogers and Ball D behavior from Boogers and Ball D. Did our new contributor step up to the plate while I was sidelined with an injury? Negative. Did Head post? If by post you mean guzzle dick. Did VM figure out how to string 8 paragraphs together and get his link on? He did about as much as Pontius attended a real sporting event.

For fuckin shame. The Ewing Theory certainly wasn't in effect during my absence. But I'm back, and I'm dedicated until I head off to AC Friday at noon and then Greece for 2 weeks. So get ready to get awesome and then get choked by the vapors.

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Hey, Jackals Den...

Media Microscope fetishing motherfuckers

Why is the media in this microscope fetish?

Ok, so I understand having ~12 hrs of programming mean that there is a lot of shit talkers and shit. BUT FUCKING STOP!!

There is no need to take every subject and break it down with a bunch of idiots who want to be in TV!

STOP....

New Recruits

Yeah, believe it. I hired two new contributors because they gave me their word they'd rep the Den. Not sure how I'll compensate them for their time, but I could start with KOTJ & QOTJ's first born. I asked them what to do about all of my boogers and they said this guy had no such problems.

On a related matching shirt note, it's believed that this man wouldn't have brutally murdered his wife if she hadn't made him wear the same shirt.

And these are currently on back order, but don't worry, I've ordered one for every "contributor" to the Den.

Alright, everyone except Tico, that guy's eyes are wide fuckin' open. Can someone translate? What microscope obsession is he referring to? I see what you mean, it sucks to not understand another jackal's post.

And I Would Do Anything For Love...

Fifty dollars to the jackal who can tell me the sex of that blonde thing...

*sex must be verified by reaching into this creature's pants before BMR gives you one red cent.

While you try to figure it out, check this kid out, awesome.

Wack ass food: Ball Deep performs his best Alky Jay Impression towards the point of puking

As a native Marylander, I take pride in eating giant insect looking things from the sea that other people would rather die than consume. I have tried just about every nasty ass bottom feeder there is from raw oysters, to Crabs, to worms, to goldfish, to eel, also pork brains, and of course giant (cell phone-sized) moths on the glass door at Royal Farms...you name it. But I have found my nemesis in the shit eating world and his name is Mussels.

These little bastards caused me an epic diarrhea and vomit display back on my anniversary dinner in June that lasted a solid (actually not solid at all) 24 hours. Down at Long Beach Island in NJ this past weekend. I decided to tempt fate yet again and reunite with this horrendous creature at the local seafood restaurant. Now granted I was driving so there were no adult libations to quell any uneasy seas so I had to rely on good grace of the Lord to see me through. Turns out this was the wrong move because I proceded to unleash a brutal display of rejection into the toilet, not seen since Jenna Bithrow rejected the "It's just me, Boogers McRib" approach Boogers used while climbing into bed with the unsuspecting minx back in the Glenelg days.

So my advice to you, my jackals, is that if something spends it's life eating other creatures shit, it is probably best to avoid it (unless it is a Maryland Blue from a reputable restaurant, then go nuts.) No matter how jackal it may seem at the time. It is important to reemphasize that no awesomeness was performed in the beverage department which most likely could have prevented the entire episode. In addition, I ate seafood from probably the most polluted waters in the world...i'm just sayin' Fuck NJ.