Five Reasons why Hybrids Suck

Courtesy of Spike.com. There is some incorrect information in here, but since when does being funny = being accurate.

Head Sucks.

Five Reasons Why Hybrids Suck

It’s no secret that ever since we Americans found ourselves at the business end of a mounting energy crisis and a rapidly deteriorating environment, hybrid-drive vehicles have become quite en vogue. It can be argued that the real push came when manufacturers started putting celebrities like Brad Pitt in Priuses a few years back in an attempt to make them appear fashionable and garner some sex appeal (and no, a Prius does not give you million dollar cheekbones).And like many things in modern society, once something gains a certain level of traction in the public eye, its popularity often snowballs into something resembling a controlled hysteria, and people tend to ignore the fine print and focus on the money shot (see current mortgage loan debacle). Of course, the final act is typically an implosion of said trend, and a subsequent trail of dead left in its wake. So I feel it is my duty to bring some ludicity to the situation by sharing with the world a little sage wisdom with Five Reasons Why Hybrids Suck.

5. The Silent Killer
Everyone who owns a hybrid talks about how eerily quiet they are around town, due to the fact that the hybrid motor takes care of most around-the-town hauling, while the gas motor is called upon for more grunt on the freeway and the like.
This is great when you’re listening for autotune studio tricks on the new Ben Harper single, but what about pedestrians? Your Prius is a rolling Grim Repear for groups like the blind and the stupid - so much so that students at Standford university designed a speaker system to simulate combustion engine noise for use on these savage beasts.
So the next time you’re about to hit that Start button, think to yourself, “is this the day I become a murderer?”

4. Abysmal Performance
The first step in improving fuel economy is to use a smaller engine. The problem with hybrids, however, is they’re fairly heavy, due in part to the huge batteries they have to lug around. So to start out with, don’t expect a hybrid to “perform” in any traditional sense of the word. Take, for instance, the Ford Escape hybrid. While it weights nearly 2 tons, and it’s combined engine output is 155 horsepower. Let that sink in for a minute - a vehicle that weights about the same as a Cadillac, powered by an engine that would feel underpowered in a Honda Accord. Don’t forget about the fact that, since it is technically an SUV, it’s supposed to be designed to haul things other than itself. But, with that level of power, you’ll be lucky to haul your ass up the hill to your hippy commune.As it turns out, with a laughable power to weight ratio like that, hybrids are incredibly inefficient vehicles. This point is again illustrated by video above - Top Gear’s fuel consumption comparision test between a Prius and a new BMW M3.So, as a manufacture, how do you get your consumers to think they’re saving gas? You guilt them into it by using a huge readout on the dashboard that indicates when the car is using the electric motor and when it’s relying on the gasoline engine, thereby conditioning drivers to drive as sedately as possible. If you were ever wondering why hybrid drivers are the slowest people on the road - this is why.

3. Say Goodbye to Your Sex Life
Contrary to what the sexoholics at EcoGeek proclaim, hybrid cars will not get you laid. Driving something that has a closer resemblance to a giant baby shoe than a car can have that effect.Let me lay out a little scenario for you. You’ve had a thing for this fox at your school/work/probation office for weeks now. One day, you’re driving around and you notice she’s walking by herself, and you pull up to offer her a ride. Which sentence has more sex appeal:
“You wanna go for a ride in my ‘Vette?”

or

“You wanna go for a ride in my Honda Civic Hybrid?”At least when you’re driving away with your tail between your legs, you’ll be able to do so very quietly.

2. Adverse Environmental Impact
Whaaa?! Hybrids aren’t made by unicorns in a magic factory in NeverNever Land? And they don’t transform into pixie dust when they’re ready for the junkyard?!‘Fraid not.While hybrids are associated with environmental crusading in pop culture, they actually leave a larger carbon footprint than many conventional vehicles like, for instance, a HUMMER.To start off, anything that utilizes an internal combustion engine will still produce pollutants. That includes hybrids. Catalytic converters are designed to handle most of the pollutants, but like any car, hybrids do in fact release greenhouse gas into the atmosphere. The reduction of these gases is mainly because most hybrids have gas engines that turn off when the vehicle comes to a halt (hence the silent killer aspect).Another major factor in hybrids’ environmental impact are the batteries that store the electricity to power the hybrid drive system. Most hybrids use a nickel metal hydride system, which requires nickel mining, which is often done in open cast mines with all the pollution that goes along with excavating large holes in the ground. Sorry, no unicorns. Oh yea, and what of those batteries when they no longer hold a charge? They don’t turn into pixie dust, either. Recycling them costs a chunk of change, so expect to see lovely piles of depleted hybrid batteries oozing battery acid in a landfill near you in the not-too-distant future.

1. Cost of Ownership
Simply put - in many situations, owning a hybrid isn’t saving you a dime. Since the average hybrid costs around 5 grand more than a conventional version of the same vehicle, it often takes longer than the expected lifespan of the car just to break even with the bloated sticker price. In fact, as this article reluctantly indicates, with many hybrids you’ll actually be thousands of dollars in the red throughout the typical duration of ownership. The government has attempted to sweeten the deal with tax incentives, which help ease the burden, but just like income tax, that money is sitting in someone else’s back account right up until the moment you can cash the check. And you're still in the red.And what’re you paying for, really? There are plenty of cars like the Mini Cooper D, the VW Golf TDI – hell, even a mid 90s Geo Metro gets mileage comparable to a Prius. So what’re you getting for your money? You’re getting the shaft, that’s what.Ultimately, the biggest issue I have with hybrid technology is that it is a stop-gap, intermediary technology that allows oil companies and auto manufacturers to continue innovating at a snail’s pace and avoid the necessary transition into real alternative fuel technology. Did you know a stock 1979 Ford Mustang got 34 miles to the gallon? That was 30 years ago. Think about that.